insanitease

her malicious words rang of frenzied vendetta for a responsibility she dared not shoulder; for overwhelming self-loathing. good riddance. the world needs less cunty bitches.

//

i found the same projects i've had in my head for years still there, just as unfinished.

i don't know why i can't escape my daily need to just relax and ignore my dreams. its so easy to just do nothing.

my happiness and tendency to be so may be a handicap as far as my weak-willed ambition is concerned.

//

i had a dream where i was shot in the stomach. it was so real, i felt the bullet enter me and not exit, i felt the split-second opening of flesh bulge out before gushing blood and liquid insides out... the real-ness of the feeling cannot be described. i felt no pain in the dream, but the gushing even as i tried to stifle it with my fingers was torrential. the emptying and dizzying feeling accompanied by the daze and weakness of shock remain ingrained in my brain. i remember thinking in the movement of the gunmans arm "don't shoot me!" and realizing he was aiming for the largest target; my midsection, i screamed in thought "no don't shoot me in the stomach? what the fuck are oyu thinking im going to ARGH bleed out slowly!" as my hands clenched my wound i yelled for the asshat to take me to the hospital.

dream progress gets fuzzy after that.

///

i got a sick, sick feeling in my gut earlier and didn't know what it was. i found out later that my dad was in an accident, some 92 year old man drove through the wall of the restaurant my parents were eating in and nearly ran over my father. he was hospitalized, apparently is ok (ish?) i haven't had an update because my mom didn't want to upset me. but i knew it. just not at the moment. now i know for certain any time this happens in the future... to call a family member.

1001 and near misses for my parents. intense.

what a weird day.