planned manners

i see a possible future, where i'm looking down from the window of a tall building, must be 50 floors up or more; the glass is darker blue but its hard to tell because of the low lighting, both inside and out. Its raining heavily on the world outside, and the sun must be down or close to it given the black and blueness of the sky. the white streetlights offer a pale reminder of the unforgiving surface of the city streets, impenetrable to the downpour with no relinquished inch.

i was an author who wrote a book, but i realized upon completion that i could do better and realize the dreams of the book's main hero if i kept its secrets for myself; for my success. And thus had i gained power and resources matching the other deep-pocketed leaders of this world.

the author realized he could get whatever he wanted; his life was like a story he could write with only the limits of his imagination. Then he started realizing he was always getting what he wanted, ony he took so long to realize it! Oh how so much time was wasted in ignorance! what great cost!

he got every woman, every thing the world could return to his ringing whims. But he didn't realize it for so long! But when he did he realized he could write a few thousand years if not a lifetimes worth of material for himself. The hard part would be keeping it all a secret. Hindsight gets better than 20/20. It just keeps getting better. The analogy should reflect that aspect of memory as well.

it was a future.

////

the last person in the world i expected to drive up to my apartment and apologize to me this morning did just that.

it totally threw my entire day for a loop. I'm still loop de looping i got thrown so hard! like a freakin surprise rollercoaster. it was rollercoaster rape!!

i don't know what to think. i got into a position to like this person and that affects my judgement. greatly.

i could probably do better if i avoided this person entirely. But she's so miserable. I want to help but her misery brings me down regardless of how much i care and its all downward spiral again. I think maybe if i keep my distance, and only spend quality time with her if that means just meet for coffee or something fleeting. I can't waste my time anymore, or risk myself in such a bizarre circumstance. we are such a good match i don't want to void out the future, but if she keeps worthless friends and stays a depressed misery i won't stick it out.

i gotta go render some music. wish i could share some with you.