its like being called a cannibal.

i don't eat people. depending on what you define as "intelligent creature" and such will influence your definition of what it means to be a cannibal. (The screaming octopus theory; just because you can't hear the octopus screaming "no don't eat me" doesn't mean you're not a cannibal) i digress.

i had a close encounter recently. it ended abruptly and regrettably. like a poop that ends with a splattery fart. what was at one moment probably rather relaxing was suddenly a horrible mess.

what held some good memories for myself but ended in a mess was i mean by close encounter.

i often imagine myself a few steps behind a ridiculous future.

i either grossly compromise and take more heat than necessary or I get ambitiouslessly lazy. i become afraid of any repeated mistake-led consequences i carry the scars from already. I dream possibly too much, for i would love to be a captain of a boat only to build a giant floating island i populate with ninja clones of myself only to become a nation of one man able to contend on a world level. i'm a what? you must be stoned. I would never take over the world.

But i would certainly leave it behind.

with a spaceship and my infinite-me machine.

yeah distractions are commonplace. I daydream more than do anything.

ever.

But im all about getting a car soon. and with that freedom comes privacy, and with privacy i can grow.

i don't know why i need the privacy to grow. but i'm certain it or a part of it is necessary for me to get anything done. im talking about growing in a personal sense, meat-head. not anything else. so whatever. will i take advantage of it?

Why am i such a bum? i find it hard to care in this world. and without anything to care for, i find it hard to do anything except just be. Like the fat suicidal guy in invention of lying, given hope he would just stay alive not doing anything else except just slowly drinking himself to death. I'm nowhere near as bad as that only saying i empathize.

i have gifts i equate to strengths. i have options available. none of these seem any more important to do than the others, so nothing gets chosen. with an empty list of things to do i get nothing done all day. smoking makes it easier, to be sure, but its disgusting how little actually gets done. i know 60 year old men who do more on a daily basis than i do. i got lazy over the traveling years.

la la la. boring.

///

i find the safety in solitude agregiously taxing. i find as long as i am busy i don't notice. i find it easy to stop and start. i can finish things as long as i don't get distracted. or lose momentum. that sounds pathetic. i should be able to run through mountains or something. right? as a goal at least. I find the idea of hot girl without issues bordering on myth. or kids. or baggage. hot girl who's had her parents killed in a car crash, a divorce, a discharge, an abortion of her jacked mexican boyfriend's, no self-respect or esteem, self-destructive habits and a track record on a downward spiral? on top of this you lie to make yourself sound innocent and victimized in all situations, acting the damsel-in-distress type, act like a lying whore and then call me a creep because i apologized for saying something stupid when i was drunk?

actually im mostly sure that despite all that she was just calling me a name because she wanted a fight i guess, and possibly a win as well, neither of which i felt were worth it on my part so i just left. i also don't like winning in arguments because i usually do it overly harsh.

i felt recently like i have no great power other than "to overdo it". how to steer a super fast boat became my mode d'emploi so to speak. not that i've ever driven a boat. i sure would love to.

with a crew. yarrr.

ok we wouldn't have to be pirates, only able to defeat them.

i almost want a country life i think. a city life might be... too much? or just the right thing? Always having something to do and somewhere to go? I think it might be the right level of always available activity to keep me aloof from women and able to schedule my time better. i gotta go get the money. a money faucet i can go turn on whenever i want it.

i think city life might also just be crazy regoddamdiculous. is it worth it at my age? It doesn't have to be, i guess. I can still just do what i want i would do better with a crew though, possibly building my own?

i never do it anywhere anymore. florida was my experiment.

i find i should act like everything is an experiment to me.

almost everything.

ok certain things.

uh oh gotta go.

rant over. but seriously, in my defense, she had the body of a goddess.