i hate my birthday

i appreciate myself, to be true i certainly feel like i love myself! but due to a lack of accomplishments i find it hard to celebrate myself. and thus, i find my birthdays of these past few years to be increasingly more a tradition of repose and self-judgement than a congratulatory back slapping in tribute to my survival; let alone a party or really anything invovling other people. i wish i was a triplet, so i could kill one of myself in represtentation of the slaying of mine weaknesses.

Getting off one's ass is hard, and i don't see it getting any easier, so i better do it while i don't have any problems, children or pets. At least thats what my dead grandfather might of said, if i had ever had the chance to have a real conversation with him. he probably thought i was a dreamer fuckassed little worthless brown runt before he kicked his bucket and there is no way i'll ever know. anything.

i know how to take the reigns (for instance in one fell swoop i could elbow a coachman in the temple and take over a carriage mid gallop whilst leaping from horseback)

but maybe not when to take them...(i would probably be elbowing some groom on his wedding day while he was taking his newlywed wife home in a rented carraige.)

so let it be known! living ain't easy, but i'm not dead yet!

i hate myself right now. let it be known to the two (or three) of you that read this.

all i want is her.... i pray i didn't just fuck it all up. and i certainly don't want a lifetime's worth of "god i hope i didn't just fuck it all up"

im not perfect. perfection of myself in my eyes is always a lofty goal i yearn adn strive to attain. my confidence overshadows the pitiful faith of the zealot and stomps on the weak willed words of the passionate priest. I am a god in my eyes though albeit a growing godling.

there is no future for me but the culmination of mine energies. if i were to have sidelined multi-tasked agendas they would all be oriented to assist my crowning.

i love her so much but i can't say it yet. it kills me.

it kills me like being angry at my friends.

i can survive it all. i'm almost sorry to say they these words come from a lonely future where i've outlived all of you, but you know what? i love you. and you have to deal with it.