months has it been since i've written on these pages, smattering them with sloppy thoughts barely converted to anything understandable.
poetry bears no tap; no faucet. It doesn't flow when i want it to. It just drips enough to wet my words and occasionally flashes in flood like form.
I should try to catch you up on the past few months. I went to hawaii, It was the most beautiful place i have ever been; the weather was perfect, fruit rained from the trees and fish practically leapt out of the water into your mouth. Work was as scarce as discomfort and everything was twice as expensive as the mainland. A new life avenue was turned into a 6 week vacation before i returned to central new york. One and only One revelation came to me amidst paradise. I must think about my future, i because scared (yes, me, horrified) at the thought of being a bartender, or cook, or any menial job for the next 40 years. I found myself wanting to return to the software development career i left behind so carelessly in my youth. And so i returned to syracuse to be with my best friend, who can help me with my endeavors, because i'm a programmer and he's an artist.
I have got to stop wandering around. I have got to stop meandering this planet. There are too many people for mystery to reside, there are too many people for an individual with no resources to go against the tide.
I cant' find work here in syracuse either. This is impossible! I don't need fancy work, i just need to afford to live and continue what i call my homework; re-learning Torque and making myself a portfolio worthy of attaining a job at a grandiose company like blizzard-activision or square enix, or sony computer entertainment america or EA. I can do it. But no opportunities arise in my earnest searching.
I am so pissed off lately. I fell in love with a woman who doesn't talk to me anymore. I have a fuckbuddy friend who is fantastic and i'd be worse off without, and since i've deactivated my emotions again the only thing i lack is the only thing i need; an income. I fret day to day about how I am supposed to pay my rather low rent and feed myself. Actually food isn't even hard to find, i go dumpster diving behind a grocery store that throws out perfectly good food everyday. I got 4 packs of rib tips and 3 packs of center loin cutlets, bags of onions and potatoes and occasionally bell peppers and the rare, unique item like a stereo or piece of furniture. But i have no work. I am doubting whether i should have ever returned here, i don't know what to do and i never fret. I'm gung ho super dreamer who can't be stopped.
only slowed down.
I'm the juggernaut, bitch!
or so i claim.
So there's not much to update. Its been a few months. Itll be a few more. im at open mic nite at the only local wifi cafe, wishing i could get more than a cup of coffee and thankful i'm not forced to whore myself or waylay people for money.
i have a cold. today i have no peculiar view to share.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
5 comments:
I feel so impotent reading this, and I'm sad. I wish I could help you somehow. What I really wish is that you had never left...but no use thinking about that now. All that can be said is keep trying, don't give up, don't get discouraged, but of course you already are, so this is also a useless thought.
Can I have your new address?
At least know that I miss you, and I think about you every day.
thanks Em, you mean a lot to me. I wish i wasn't so far away either. its a completely different world without you within arms reach... oh well. i miss you too. I'm sorry when i suck, but hey, I'm not perfect yet.
You have been coming to mind a lot lately, and I am glad, yet saddened about your current situation. my thoughts and prayers are with you, and I'm not really the praying type (even though I am an ordained elder, go fig.) So much has changed with us both, yet I feel that we are still like brothers. neither is where he wants to be, and can only blame past mistakes, as well as recurring ones. Just know that I have faith in you. I'm with Emily (this person whom I have never met, but shares this desire to see you happy) when I express my desire that I could help you. However, there's nothing I can do, and I know that you will come through on top of this. Take care of yourself.
DION!
It has been a while, brother. I have thought of you often since we have last spoken, and many miles have i traveled indeed! I am glad we are still so similar, eerie as it may be but true nonetheless. I am honored by your prayers and faith in me, times like this have proven to be tribulatory but not impossible to overcome.
I look forward to our next conversation, right now i'm sitting in the mall with limited internet access, awaiting my time to goto work for my first day of training. More on this later.
Take care! I shall update again soonlyishly.
PS: your shrimp batter recipe seems delicious, i can hardly wait to try it!
we have met, lol! I blend into the background, it's true.
Post a Comment