life aftermath

though agreeable, the quick and alert service representatives to United airlines made short work of my punctuality by giving an all too generous with an hour and a half to cushion my wait at gate 26.

today is really like a bonus extension upon the previous day, due to extreme lack of sleep and pure emotional rollercoastering.

the first person i said goodbye to this morning was the last one i wanted to say it to.

even thinking about it raises the panicy, wavering diaphragm into spastic fluttering most familiarized with gut wrenching horror; say like that time you swore you saw a monster not only coming out from under your bed but in the same swift movement was about to rip your face off.

Nah thats a bad example. I feel like a death row inmate (hitherto referred to as a DRI). I cannot begin to tell you the ridiculous attatchment i've made with a secret girlfriend, who is some one else's wife. She sounds like the kind of girl who is happy with who she's with. But when i look into her eyes all that doubt melts away like oh so much butter, quickly followed by thoughts of anything else really.

except when im remembering that i'm not going to be able to hold her when i want to. or need to. So i got to find a way to keep her or grow from this somehow not horribly broken or smushed.

All other friends have stopped by today to say goodbye, smoked my ass up all day so everything i had to do was both painless and sluggish. I find myself keeping more and more thoughts private lately, not out of any need for secrecy or distrust amongst those closest; more just my thoughts are ever on me and how and what my actions are producing. and why i'm leaving.

I have to have the room to grow. I want to grow into someone who can have the woman he loves. That is strong enough to tear the enstangling web of responsibilities away from her so we can have eachother. That is support a wife and kids i guess in you layman blue collar time trading terminologicisms. Blech.

I found love and didn't want to let it go, feeling my destiny lay in another place. I found patience for things i never suspected i would lose ....

attention span lost in checking out tight white pant wearing thong wearer. Sorry. part of me still dreams about random hook up with a hottie on an airplane, ok?

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1 hour to go. you find your suspicions rising in face of the dashed hopes you had in understanding any timescale to word count ratio in the rantings you find yourself perusing at the moment.

the author seriously needs to clean up this mad scramble of meaty substance and paltry musings. That cookie you ate is kicking in, you can feel it. Its a good cookie. This blog just can't stay on target long enough for caring to ensue; but the words caress your glazing eyes in ignorance of your withering interest.

Oo, there goes white pants again. along with a couple that matches except for their pants, their obvious offspring and perhaps contributing progenetor. 15 travellers sparsely populate this manicured garden of benches. The cookie wasn't good enough to help you lose the paranoia that your seat is in the back of the plane. your legs won't fit back there. its like trying to fit in a mazda miata. impossible.

knowing when to quit has always been in style. no reason to go out of fashion. plus, the woman you love married someone else to take care of the kids she has. After weighing prodiguous amounts of skepticism and hypothesii, adoption of said adorable offspring would be a fun frosting the cake of marraige you wanted to bake with the hot mama. The hottest. of all time i suspect. Other women just fall to their knees and grovel in her glorious shadow, bickering amongst themselves about who gets to be second best.

you never really knew anyone that was so naturally bestowed with presence, majesty even. she is unforgettable in such a blazing way that instantly upon contact with her you knew her to be far beyond the beauty of anyone you had ever encountered before. And the second her eyes fell upon your own would the pieces all click into place. She knew her own power, the extent of her great and beautiful power. You want to obey without having even been commanded! Exultation of her name waits at the edge of your lips, ready to launch as soon as you know what it is! Or whatever. You're no evangelist. reality quickly sets in but fails to pale the intensity of the gaze set upon you by this woman.

blaaaaaaaaa ive been up for how long? plane leaves in 40 minutes. time to switch to music.