i was pretty drunk when i wrote last time; it helped me say things i otherwise would not have.

i have since edited the post.

///

i need to get out and do things. im a loser right now. have nothing, just a job. but im torn. I want the respect and ease of life that comes with a higher status; nice car, nice job, nice place to live. I figure while i'm a monkey stuck on this planet with no where else to go i might as well go for the gold. my other half wants to leave it all behind, seek out new places, new skills and friendships.

i feel bad for having neither. im just a 26 year old man living with his friend, too scared to do anything anymore. scared of myself, of the future, of it all. in love with things that probably dont exist and escaping more and more into the made up world in my head. if i were an author it would be ok to be sinking so much time and thought into creating this other universe. but i probably won't ever write it down. Its for me, its my private paradise adventureland to help me cope with living a life i never asked for and can't for the life of me pick something to do and stick to it. Im always a happy person, but i was seriously downed by my last relationship. Im getting sick of bullshit.

im even ore sick of my lack of fortitude and self-discipline. I should have SOMETHING by now, not just oodles and oodles of experience.

its just i feel i have nothing to show for all the decisions i've made so far. Im not regretting them, i just feel judged.

ok in truth my ex girlfriend called me a loser with no future. no car, nada. And she had part of a point, which sucked because she was being an ultra bitch at the moment (not that i was helping, i got dragged into a fight via text where were just saying the most nastiest things to eachother. i hadn't done that with anyone in EVER really. I'm a nice person who just bites his tongue most of the time. not that time. i felt aweful afterwards, literally sick to my stomach.) but the point is she was right. I still don't have anything to show for myself.

i hate that. I hate being compared to everyone else. I'm not like anyone else, and im starting to not like that either. I'm the blackest sheep. I'm a tall, handsome man with smarts and clever wit sometimes, but thats the same thing, only defined by being compared to others. I have no money, don't come from a family with money like she does and i get called a loser. sorry princess, the only thing i have a fortune in is knowledge because its free. i can't afford anything else.

i hate that. stupid planet with fucking rich bitches. so few nice people; a dying breed if you ask me.

ive been backed into too many corners lately, or so i feel, and im probably burning bridges left and right for the sake of what feels to me is security. i find my faith and trust misplaced altoomuch lately, and that hurts. it hurts a lot and i don't like it.

but having faith and trust in no one but me is a hard way to live. maybe thats what it means to grow up.

to give up.

in tears i cannot substantiate do i relate my fears to you

I CAN ONLY KILL YOU; I CANNOT MAKE YOU STRONGER.

///

but when you survive me will you find the strength within you.

///

i am the blackest sheep.

i am halved. i need to rid myself of one of these halves, i cannot hold them both. in one hand do i hold the strength to keep you in my grasp, and in the other lies the endless need for another.

i am sorry. and i'm not.

it needs to be shrugged like so much of atlas's burden.

i am a destroyer and i cannot escape it.

i never wish to. I am what i am and the sufferage i instill; the pain that i cause, the emptiness i carry in consequence bring me no solace.

let it be known i am two steps from plunging this silly planet into catalytic growth. into inexorable chaos.

i have let too many escape my grasp. I have pretended to be some moral aptitudinal hero in the past, ignoring urges and worse from what i assumed was demons' speak in the gutters of my mind.

i can relive the moment of gaining my first best friend forevermore in my mind. I punched him in the right eye. then apologized. he was mine. i still have yet to understand why people work this way. i didn't like it then and i don't like doing it now. maybe i should learn to.

I am a controller. a manipulator. i understand you humans to the core you so abstain from understanding; the inner threads you hate to accept in your prideful stance. I know you all. every single one of you misunderstood so-called individuals.

but along the lines i loved to be nice, and learned to hate being mean. and i lost it. i lost it all. i became a pussy. a nice guy. a worthless doormat. a best friend.

i can get what i want when i want from anyone who walks this plane. as soon as you lay eyes upon me you know it too and you fear me for your life. you know i'll take it the second i want it, regardless of my frivolous wants or serious procedures. unless you are a faster rabbit you fall prey to my desires. its like this world is my playground.

and lucky for the rest of you fucks I grew tired of the lack of challenge.

///

too bad for you i've learned from my past. My past. the only thing resilient to my charms and wishes. my powers.

i want you and only you. you are as of yet the only one to enchant me and survive me. i will keep you forever, as long as you never die. the second you succumb will i be disappointed. i've destroyed so many, i've overcome so much its worthless to recount. you were the perfect balance of giving me what i want while remaining an independent, unconquerable deity. my love may be made up and worthless; my hate a facade of acting. But my attraction to you has never veered, never failed. i want and need you like no one else.

i hate being incomplete. I love myself more than you. what little there is left of me. you will always be a part of me.

the assertive domination i feel i must leash you with i can never do. because that is the part of you that i love. the indomitable. you chose to be with me when you did. and you choose to be with another. i have always respected that.

when i lose that respect will be when i manifest my wholeness. when i care no longer for the choices of others shall i overcome my final weakness. or so as i see it, my final insecurity.

you will be pruned; along with loneliness and frienship, love and hate. the need to live will be placated with the numbing fortitude of immortality.

and i will leave you all. whether i leave you all in your graves or in a circle of pointless reincarnation remains to be seen. the details are fuzzy as much as a forest on the horizon. as much as craters on the moon.

as much as colors of the stars.

beyond the insufferable details of my dreams.

////

i am ever surprised i am alive, still alive and feeling the future coming.

///

YOU CAN NEVER KILL ME; YOU CAN ONLY MAKE ME STRONGER.

insanitease

her malicious words rang of frenzied vendetta for a responsibility she dared not shoulder; for overwhelming self-loathing. good riddance. the world needs less cunty bitches.

//

i found the same projects i've had in my head for years still there, just as unfinished.

i don't know why i can't escape my daily need to just relax and ignore my dreams. its so easy to just do nothing.

my happiness and tendency to be so may be a handicap as far as my weak-willed ambition is concerned.

//

i had a dream where i was shot in the stomach. it was so real, i felt the bullet enter me and not exit, i felt the split-second opening of flesh bulge out before gushing blood and liquid insides out... the real-ness of the feeling cannot be described. i felt no pain in the dream, but the gushing even as i tried to stifle it with my fingers was torrential. the emptying and dizzying feeling accompanied by the daze and weakness of shock remain ingrained in my brain. i remember thinking in the movement of the gunmans arm "don't shoot me!" and realizing he was aiming for the largest target; my midsection, i screamed in thought "no don't shoot me in the stomach? what the fuck are oyu thinking im going to ARGH bleed out slowly!" as my hands clenched my wound i yelled for the asshat to take me to the hospital.

dream progress gets fuzzy after that.

///

i got a sick, sick feeling in my gut earlier and didn't know what it was. i found out later that my dad was in an accident, some 92 year old man drove through the wall of the restaurant my parents were eating in and nearly ran over my father. he was hospitalized, apparently is ok (ish?) i haven't had an update because my mom didn't want to upset me. but i knew it. just not at the moment. now i know for certain any time this happens in the future... to call a family member.

1001 and near misses for my parents. intense.

what a weird day.

planned manners

i see a possible future, where i'm looking down from the window of a tall building, must be 50 floors up or more; the glass is darker blue but its hard to tell because of the low lighting, both inside and out. Its raining heavily on the world outside, and the sun must be down or close to it given the black and blueness of the sky. the white streetlights offer a pale reminder of the unforgiving surface of the city streets, impenetrable to the downpour with no relinquished inch.

i was an author who wrote a book, but i realized upon completion that i could do better and realize the dreams of the book's main hero if i kept its secrets for myself; for my success. And thus had i gained power and resources matching the other deep-pocketed leaders of this world.

the author realized he could get whatever he wanted; his life was like a story he could write with only the limits of his imagination. Then he started realizing he was always getting what he wanted, ony he took so long to realize it! Oh how so much time was wasted in ignorance! what great cost!

he got every woman, every thing the world could return to his ringing whims. But he didn't realize it for so long! But when he did he realized he could write a few thousand years if not a lifetimes worth of material for himself. The hard part would be keeping it all a secret. Hindsight gets better than 20/20. It just keeps getting better. The analogy should reflect that aspect of memory as well.

it was a future.

////

the last person in the world i expected to drive up to my apartment and apologize to me this morning did just that.

it totally threw my entire day for a loop. I'm still loop de looping i got thrown so hard! like a freakin surprise rollercoaster. it was rollercoaster rape!!

i don't know what to think. i got into a position to like this person and that affects my judgement. greatly.

i could probably do better if i avoided this person entirely. But she's so miserable. I want to help but her misery brings me down regardless of how much i care and its all downward spiral again. I think maybe if i keep my distance, and only spend quality time with her if that means just meet for coffee or something fleeting. I can't waste my time anymore, or risk myself in such a bizarre circumstance. we are such a good match i don't want to void out the future, but if she keeps worthless friends and stays a depressed misery i won't stick it out.

i gotta go render some music. wish i could share some with you.

i wonder what they say a year from now.. do they still say "don't be me."?

\\

i hate being a monster scraping his claws across his face.

///

there is no rhynme nor nreason for me to explain myself, but i feel the need to anyways... a weakness that prevails or an obvious discrepancy?

///

i have nevery died or you'd be reading about something else other than this asshole's description of a lack therof.

i have nveryu dided or you'd be reading about this asssholes descriptioj of a lack thereof.

///

i'm sorry

///

that i'm better than you.

///

in every way.

///

a poem(a requiem?) about 3 things that will never be.

///

i long ago encountered the attention brought by those who count the dust.

i am a dust machine.

///

there is no me being you. why do i crave these dreams? i had them before you.... why do i lose them after you?

///

it hurts. i hate that it hurts. i never hated this much before. that isn't a sign. its a lie. question my input processing.

it wasn't hate at all.

it was incompatibility.

who instilled a label of hate on incompatibility?

/

must have been a parasite. i am too accessible. so weak as to be weakenable.

///

you wake up to find you are what you thought whoops time to goto bed.

incorrigible upset

i have to vent and be myself more so here than before; due mainly to being befriended by most of my family on facebook i feel i can't be dirty, stupid or silly on there anymore. or angry n bitter.

i find that in my efforts to further focus on myself i lose attention to others; care and emotion swiftly follow and again im faced with disdain for my lack of humanity or normal social interactions. disdain to match what i have for most of the human population, at any rate.

im just another half monkey on a planet full of non-stop monkeys. i no longer care for heroic efforts or villainous endeavors... i've my own selfish plans but they have been crafted so as not to trod on others or be space invasionary. i see more and more that the made up "things to do" in this world are all just hamster wheels. they are pointless, only exist as something to do and would be pointless otherwise. its the same reason for wars, charities, television, books, sex. its just something to keep our monkey asses in motion. i've looked the monster in the eye and found that its air of mystery was nothing more than a lie. there is no grand scheme here. theres just a planet full of people. somewhere along the lines a few figured out that people would do a few things very dependably: multiply and be irresponsible.

so all people have done is tangle themselves up in a huge messy web of activities and slapped made up labels like "purpose" on it. thats it. there is only you to tell you what to do and why you're here to do it. in this life, you are just one of many other people who have only the same power as you; to govern themselves and make up things on a whim. there are no gods, no angles or demons, no aliens or ghosts. no sea monsters even. hell we even managed to eat all the dinosaurs im guessing.

thats it. just a planet full of people who otherwise would have nothing to do if not for some oddly placed curiosity and emotion. everything you have ever heard of was just made up by a person. no books or laws sent down from above, no devils to blame. just a world full of people.

and this simple observation really takes the jelly out of the donut.

i have lost all longterm meaning in my life. enchantment and excitement have been reduced to distracting myself and feeding myself. I have become a dreamless construct, wondering why i continue to stay alive day after day since the present life has become so warped and distorted from what it was before. i stopped smoking. i stopped drinking. and i remember why i started it in the first place. because its enjoyable and time-consuming. which is a brilliant alternative to not doing it all, which would leave me bored and all too aware of time passing at the same rate it always has.

my conciousness has ever been so detached from this fleshly form; this weird lizard-dog-monkey hybrid of a being i inhabit. just along for the ride. ive never felt any more "human" than i have felt like a seashell or pebble. i just observe, remember, learn and influence. i figured out how to change myself into what i wanted, how to get whatever i want from this world. at first figuring that out was what i wanted; there isn't anything i really want. no things. no power. i am ingloriously zen.

i would like to travel and see more, but at this point i know i wouldn't be surprised by anything. i could goto the moon and enjoy it as much as going to hawaii again. its would be beautiful, and thats my dilemma. I seem to have evolved into some beauty-appreciation machine and thats it. as if something unseen feeds off my emotions when im happy and entranced by beauty.

i like the story i write in my head. its ever been a great amalgamation of my life and experience and my imagination. in truth its my own personal fictional autobiography. in it lie all the things missing from this world; true love, giant machines, deities both foreign and domestic, meaning, hope, doom.

in this world there is nothing outside of our own hands as a people. all hope and doom lie within our grasp, at our own fingertips. no angry god with 40 days of rain. only nations with dwindling patience and rapidly enticing reserves of weaponry and entertainment. nothing to be saved from, you don't save yourself from yourself anymore than you save your left hand from your right.

and if im wrong?

then i would never be happier. only perhaps slightly unprepared due to my current resignation. relinquishment. surrender. whatever suits how i feel, i'm unsure of how to describe it. im a monkey-machine that looked in the mirror without making up anything to see, all to see what i really was, and became unsurprised that i was nothing at all. I'm just a mirror too. a mirror of human activity and thought that was never my own. heck there is no ownership. just the passing-along of things and thoughts that were around.

....

i miss being deluded by visions of grandeur and excitement. i miss emotions. i miss dreams. all i do now is like things. im a glorified tongue, ever licking this experience and cataloging the tastes.

dead ipodius

sigh. as if it wasn't bad enough to lose my hard drive, my ipod, the only backup i had of a few very good songs, won't power on.

im willing to pay to recover the data. i hate that i have to.

it hurts a lot. rest in peace Asteroid Rings, Hiss n Bassoons, The Devil's Blood Tastes Like Champagne and even you, Slurp Burping.

i've never lost anything like this before, i always had backups. i didn't think my laptop drive would die. i really didn't.

shit. oak-aged shit whiskey in a melty-poop shot glass.

i wouldn't only kill to get it back, but i'd make a deal with any Faustian Bargaineers.

grrr. lets hope for resurrection in lieu of soul selling.

branches before roots

sometimes i feel like i don't remember the jungle. other times i feel like i need to remember the jungle. its like i don't know my roots. but before i realized i even had roots, before i had the concept of them, i had to realize my similarites with those before me. i liken the feeling of needing to know my roots better like losing feeling in your feet.

it wasn't a problem until it was felt it for the first time. then it was a sudden alarming decision, made hastily and easily by a determined activism promising a renewed relationship with your past.

and if your past, your roots, is an ocean, then your kin are the port you leave from.

i guess. i just want a large, good income while im stuck here on this planet with all you good people immersed in multitudes of assholes.

///

sometimes its branches before roots.

i have problems finishing things, largely influenced by my lack of focus. i've got to do something about this.

i also want to learn sign language. blew that one.

setbacks and newcomings

my new harddrive (well newish: bought in may before trip to hawaii) died yesterday. right before conglomerating with doc and nick for our dj show on the 19th. 7 months of music i made gone in the blink of a digital eye. i hope i can find some data recovery.

i had Concerta for the first time, and for the first time any kind of ADD coping pill. I noticed it was like when i had a really good day, a clear headed i can do things day. It wasn't a superpower, it was just like clearing the cobwebs, reducing the volume of my inner voice so i could concentrate. i loved it.

i hate how incomplete i feel now that i know a drug helps me become like i am on my best days. i hate how i have days that are not best days to begin with. but hate gets us nowhere(?does it? maybe it just gets us there faster) at any rate i still want a reliable supply.

who doesnt? sounds like history of the human race: some guys search for a reliable supply of Faith, Money, Power or Girls.

or whatever piques your fancy.

///

im probably going to smoke. i don't want to, but i do. its there. its too close, too proximitous and subtly placed within arms reach.

I can't hide things from myself anymore than i can reward myself. the things i have are the things i have and its pointless both practically and ethereally to shuffle them around in my pockets like im both a source and destination. who high-fives themselves? I can encourage myself to be sure, but i can't pay myself. see my point?

im all too literal. possibly

///

i don't know what to look for anymore. i keep getting what i want but.... im all too keenly aware of my ignorance towards my needs. and the blinders i have skewing my view of my wants. I wanted her so badly. she was gorgeous, fun, sharp(ish), and we had too much in common.

but she was a liar. i hate liars. i was raised by some of the best and im damn smart. You can't fucking fool me. i hate acting the 'tard to play along, buying time to figure out some sort of new solution. i hate being duped by my own hope. what i took for strength was a facade protecting a volatile, fragile girl. she had the potential, but potential is nothing without direction and she had none of that.

i have to remember that while somewhat of a controlfreak, i can't change other people. nor can my massively over-exaggerated patience handle waiting for the young to wisen up. or wait for the downturned bottom-hitters to get sick of self-abuse and remember their wings.

theres too many fish in this vast ocean of a sea for me to practically play the numbers game looking for a wife.

i need a girl. of specifics i've described to any and all. i need her more and more everyday. it kills me but i can never die. its a pain too unique to be described anymore.

anymore.

///


fuck it all.

number and label

you weren't a challenge nor even a playful game for me. you went down all too easily never suspecting to lose my respect.

the scorpion stings both silent and deadly. but you were playing a different game and became pinned to the ground all to quickly. there was no hope for your success, nor any sign of chance for my satisfaction. i thought you were a book to be read(!) but were no more than a critic's summarization. it took me too long to realize i had already killed you before i had met you. (edited version: it took me too long to realize i had already gotten you before.) there was no challenge here. there was no chance for growth. only death.

and that wasn't enough. so i broomed you fast and sighed at having to open the janitor's closet again.

///

its easier to hide behind a mask of

i find myself ever more sure that my subtle placement in human progression is at such a point where i can survive the consuming fire about to destroy the younger population whilst maintaining a vigilant constitution capable of outlasting the winsome and ever fragile veterans of this lifetime.

i might be left alone in my survival; my one one way trip to everywhere. i no longer even dream that my perfect female match is there waiting or somewhere to be found for me. i am all too alone and im strong enough to accept it.

:)..

try not to die. i was sent here to destroy you but that doesn't mean i have to chase you. i suggest outrunning me. its funner that way.

echo machine, socially unholier than thou.

i was praised for my eloquence. i enjoyed it immensely, for i take some pride in wordstruction and grammar radiation.

///

i am some sort of dominating force, when i learn to master myself will i gain the bonus of mastering the rest of you. the key is to remain focused on myself, regardless of distractions no matter how hot or intimidating.

ok nothing is intimidating but some things are righteously hot.

///

i got myself food for tommorow including a bottle of lambic framboise, ingredients for taco stuff because i didn't feel like walking half an hour with ribs in my backpack, ingredients for superdip and a bag of fritos.

i hope its enough.

///

i gotta go catch a bus. i have to get a license next week, mostly because i didn't think to this week. or wake up early enough. or find a friend with a car so i can take the road test. thats actually the entire reason i didn't even do the written yet. all or nothing kind of attitude is slightly handicapping sometimes.

///

have a happy preholiday, im gonna go work. i love you from the bottom of my fuckin' nutz! peace out nigga!

elsewhere

i found that while i prize my adaptive ability, i do not like feeling like i should be ashamed of the things i like (like videogames, magic the gathering, anime) etc. I shan't compromise on these issues again, regardless of how much fun it is to change to adapt to attract. the hotness.

///

i want to see the ninja assassin movie and teh new boondocks movie. i have to goto the store now to get groceries for myself for tommorow as the long haul includes seclusion but by choice because i feel out of place when i go visit with other people's families, like im tolerated or pitied even. it makes me feel awkward, like my birthday.

i want to wear a shirt that says "dominant but hardly makes the first move all the time"