i was pretty drunk when i wrote last time; it helped me say things i otherwise would not have.

i have since edited the post.

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i need to get out and do things. im a loser right now. have nothing, just a job. but im torn. I want the respect and ease of life that comes with a higher status; nice car, nice job, nice place to live. I figure while i'm a monkey stuck on this planet with no where else to go i might as well go for the gold. my other half wants to leave it all behind, seek out new places, new skills and friendships.

i feel bad for having neither. im just a 26 year old man living with his friend, too scared to do anything anymore. scared of myself, of the future, of it all. in love with things that probably dont exist and escaping more and more into the made up world in my head. if i were an author it would be ok to be sinking so much time and thought into creating this other universe. but i probably won't ever write it down. Its for me, its my private paradise adventureland to help me cope with living a life i never asked for and can't for the life of me pick something to do and stick to it. Im always a happy person, but i was seriously downed by my last relationship. Im getting sick of bullshit.

im even ore sick of my lack of fortitude and self-discipline. I should have SOMETHING by now, not just oodles and oodles of experience.

its just i feel i have nothing to show for all the decisions i've made so far. Im not regretting them, i just feel judged.

ok in truth my ex girlfriend called me a loser with no future. no car, nada. And she had part of a point, which sucked because she was being an ultra bitch at the moment (not that i was helping, i got dragged into a fight via text where were just saying the most nastiest things to eachother. i hadn't done that with anyone in EVER really. I'm a nice person who just bites his tongue most of the time. not that time. i felt aweful afterwards, literally sick to my stomach.) but the point is she was right. I still don't have anything to show for myself.

i hate that. I hate being compared to everyone else. I'm not like anyone else, and im starting to not like that either. I'm the blackest sheep. I'm a tall, handsome man with smarts and clever wit sometimes, but thats the same thing, only defined by being compared to others. I have no money, don't come from a family with money like she does and i get called a loser. sorry princess, the only thing i have a fortune in is knowledge because its free. i can't afford anything else.

i hate that. stupid planet with fucking rich bitches. so few nice people; a dying breed if you ask me.

ive been backed into too many corners lately, or so i feel, and im probably burning bridges left and right for the sake of what feels to me is security. i find my faith and trust misplaced altoomuch lately, and that hurts. it hurts a lot and i don't like it.

but having faith and trust in no one but me is a hard way to live. maybe thats what it means to grow up.

to give up.