setbacks and newcomings

my new harddrive (well newish: bought in may before trip to hawaii) died yesterday. right before conglomerating with doc and nick for our dj show on the 19th. 7 months of music i made gone in the blink of a digital eye. i hope i can find some data recovery.

i had Concerta for the first time, and for the first time any kind of ADD coping pill. I noticed it was like when i had a really good day, a clear headed i can do things day. It wasn't a superpower, it was just like clearing the cobwebs, reducing the volume of my inner voice so i could concentrate. i loved it.

i hate how incomplete i feel now that i know a drug helps me become like i am on my best days. i hate how i have days that are not best days to begin with. but hate gets us nowhere(?does it? maybe it just gets us there faster) at any rate i still want a reliable supply.

who doesnt? sounds like history of the human race: some guys search for a reliable supply of Faith, Money, Power or Girls.

or whatever piques your fancy.

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im probably going to smoke. i don't want to, but i do. its there. its too close, too proximitous and subtly placed within arms reach.

I can't hide things from myself anymore than i can reward myself. the things i have are the things i have and its pointless both practically and ethereally to shuffle them around in my pockets like im both a source and destination. who high-fives themselves? I can encourage myself to be sure, but i can't pay myself. see my point?

im all too literal. possibly

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i don't know what to look for anymore. i keep getting what i want but.... im all too keenly aware of my ignorance towards my needs. and the blinders i have skewing my view of my wants. I wanted her so badly. she was gorgeous, fun, sharp(ish), and we had too much in common.

but she was a liar. i hate liars. i was raised by some of the best and im damn smart. You can't fucking fool me. i hate acting the 'tard to play along, buying time to figure out some sort of new solution. i hate being duped by my own hope. what i took for strength was a facade protecting a volatile, fragile girl. she had the potential, but potential is nothing without direction and she had none of that.

i have to remember that while somewhat of a controlfreak, i can't change other people. nor can my massively over-exaggerated patience handle waiting for the young to wisen up. or wait for the downturned bottom-hitters to get sick of self-abuse and remember their wings.

theres too many fish in this vast ocean of a sea for me to practically play the numbers game looking for a wife.

i need a girl. of specifics i've described to any and all. i need her more and more everyday. it kills me but i can never die. its a pain too unique to be described anymore.

anymore.

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fuck it all.