incorrigible upset

i have to vent and be myself more so here than before; due mainly to being befriended by most of my family on facebook i feel i can't be dirty, stupid or silly on there anymore. or angry n bitter.

i find that in my efforts to further focus on myself i lose attention to others; care and emotion swiftly follow and again im faced with disdain for my lack of humanity or normal social interactions. disdain to match what i have for most of the human population, at any rate.

im just another half monkey on a planet full of non-stop monkeys. i no longer care for heroic efforts or villainous endeavors... i've my own selfish plans but they have been crafted so as not to trod on others or be space invasionary. i see more and more that the made up "things to do" in this world are all just hamster wheels. they are pointless, only exist as something to do and would be pointless otherwise. its the same reason for wars, charities, television, books, sex. its just something to keep our monkey asses in motion. i've looked the monster in the eye and found that its air of mystery was nothing more than a lie. there is no grand scheme here. theres just a planet full of people. somewhere along the lines a few figured out that people would do a few things very dependably: multiply and be irresponsible.

so all people have done is tangle themselves up in a huge messy web of activities and slapped made up labels like "purpose" on it. thats it. there is only you to tell you what to do and why you're here to do it. in this life, you are just one of many other people who have only the same power as you; to govern themselves and make up things on a whim. there are no gods, no angles or demons, no aliens or ghosts. no sea monsters even. hell we even managed to eat all the dinosaurs im guessing.

thats it. just a planet full of people who otherwise would have nothing to do if not for some oddly placed curiosity and emotion. everything you have ever heard of was just made up by a person. no books or laws sent down from above, no devils to blame. just a world full of people.

and this simple observation really takes the jelly out of the donut.

i have lost all longterm meaning in my life. enchantment and excitement have been reduced to distracting myself and feeding myself. I have become a dreamless construct, wondering why i continue to stay alive day after day since the present life has become so warped and distorted from what it was before. i stopped smoking. i stopped drinking. and i remember why i started it in the first place. because its enjoyable and time-consuming. which is a brilliant alternative to not doing it all, which would leave me bored and all too aware of time passing at the same rate it always has.

my conciousness has ever been so detached from this fleshly form; this weird lizard-dog-monkey hybrid of a being i inhabit. just along for the ride. ive never felt any more "human" than i have felt like a seashell or pebble. i just observe, remember, learn and influence. i figured out how to change myself into what i wanted, how to get whatever i want from this world. at first figuring that out was what i wanted; there isn't anything i really want. no things. no power. i am ingloriously zen.

i would like to travel and see more, but at this point i know i wouldn't be surprised by anything. i could goto the moon and enjoy it as much as going to hawaii again. its would be beautiful, and thats my dilemma. I seem to have evolved into some beauty-appreciation machine and thats it. as if something unseen feeds off my emotions when im happy and entranced by beauty.

i like the story i write in my head. its ever been a great amalgamation of my life and experience and my imagination. in truth its my own personal fictional autobiography. in it lie all the things missing from this world; true love, giant machines, deities both foreign and domestic, meaning, hope, doom.

in this world there is nothing outside of our own hands as a people. all hope and doom lie within our grasp, at our own fingertips. no angry god with 40 days of rain. only nations with dwindling patience and rapidly enticing reserves of weaponry and entertainment. nothing to be saved from, you don't save yourself from yourself anymore than you save your left hand from your right.

and if im wrong?

then i would never be happier. only perhaps slightly unprepared due to my current resignation. relinquishment. surrender. whatever suits how i feel, i'm unsure of how to describe it. im a monkey-machine that looked in the mirror without making up anything to see, all to see what i really was, and became unsurprised that i was nothing at all. I'm just a mirror too. a mirror of human activity and thought that was never my own. heck there is no ownership. just the passing-along of things and thoughts that were around.

....

i miss being deluded by visions of grandeur and excitement. i miss emotions. i miss dreams. all i do now is like things. im a glorified tongue, ever licking this experience and cataloging the tastes.