brash humbuggery

i find, after perusing mine own paraphrasing paragraphs from christmas' of yore, that i have lost ground.

in the year of 2006 i was ever eager to do things, talking it up like a ham-tastic center stage front-man with the plan. i was also higher than any kite i have ever heard of that christmas, it was fanfuckingtastic.

last year? i worked and it was a 21point suck fest with me playing lead chair ass-violin to a south african jew who owned a hotel and "let" me work the front desk, clean the rooms, and even cook dinner for a local lout who luckily won the lottery years prior. my christmas present from them? a few pairs of black socks to wear to work.

this year?

my downward spiral has gone much, much further than i had realized until now. santa might as well have told me to go fuck myself, if he was any more real than jesus.

so now what? I am the Salt Knight. im just another sword wielding fool in an army of millions. I wish there was a Minister Fist so i could tell him what the enemy was doing. "he has advanced, sir, and tonite, he assaults!" the enemy was me.

you're right mr waits. I'm not abel. i'm just cain.

i want to cry but it wouldn't do any good. im a worthless sick individual who needs nothing, has nothing, and wants nothing.

thats a bold lie. i have myself, i need to build myself a home and i want love.



i love you emily. i love you dion. i love you nick. I love you doc n candace. and you too crystal.

thats it. thats all the people i love. my best friends and my sister.



///

this morning, after writing all that previous stuff, i caught the bug that my roommates passed twixt eachother. I also threw it off after puking my guts out. so i've had ass-piss diahrea all day, but strangely enough im in a better mood than last night. bottom of the barrel happiness i guess.

so its evening time and i'm cooking myself a gas station bought christmas dinner, all alone.

if i was on a space capsule, and the loneliness was absolute, i think i could take it better. but its ok, im sure i'll have my time in the sun again. right now its lonely time.

so i have no one to cuddle, not tonight. its a good thing im a little crazy, i can get along with myself just fine then. its not forever, its just a little day when everyone is supposed to have somebody. someone.

thanks korn.

later gators. merry xmas, and stuff.