sensory input clog

time is so short now. My longterm memory, in case and example regarding this blog, is altogether weird. My life over the past few years, since my escape from FL, hasn't changed at all.

At all. I've moved around, met new people, started a dozen projects that lie around unfinished, written music, had sex, made love, and worked. I feel the same, i feel like yesterday from months ago was yesterday today. Inside and out, it must be the smoking.

i like it. but i see myself staring back from the mirror with the same eyes and a slightly older face.

i don't do anything for myself anymore. i sluggishly pull my slothful self through each day, a frightful example of demotivated human servitude, with only how to waste time and when i should eat on my mind.


i've spent years dreaming and enjoying myself, yet never doing anything i dream about.

its like im a dream machine. a dust machine.

i can tell the difference between how i perceive time now and from before. i am still me but my life has been warped, my mind altered slowlier over time. experience and drugs (nothing harsh) giving me that all too clear point of view of myself, again.

i keep wanting what im denied and sometimes it burns me. i hunt the most elusive prey because i love the challenge AND the prize, but win less often in turn. its my nature, i've known it foryears. ive just been struggling with accepting the shadier, less likeable aspects of myself.

im rough n tumble. Cowboy and cavalier. I'll smile all the time, but i'm always thinking about something else. my brain pulls up a thought and chews right through on to the next. the next original discovery, heh. I am another human being.

i could devote my life to some of my large dreams, but everything i dream about is so risky, so huge and over teh top, so beyond easy i'm not sure of risking myself so much when wasting myself has become so contentedly easy.

i have been acting like an old man for a few years. and a kid. partying, irresponsibility, using time destructively i guess as opposed to constructively.

i make friends quick and lasting and love to laugh and share it. but i tend to not finish any of my own projects and lack the motivation to do things "for myself" because i don't understand the point really. i couldl go sail around the world. I can. I can do anything i want to.

why don't i? why don't i act like a king? instead a rogue go I, shady and always contemplating. i just sit here and feed my face; my desires. I keep myself "fat n happy" and thats it. I live the life of royalty, not to rock star rich man levels, but i do it the same way. i sleep all the time to dream. when im awake its movies, videogames and food. work nowadays is a joke and i do it so i can feed myself and shelter myself and enjoy the things i like to enjoy.

i've been all about enjoyment and most of me is happy, except the part of me that keeps questiong if i should be happy like this...

thats what it is. im questiongin myself becauses ok goddamit im not typing cleanly anymore and im sick of backspacing everfy other letter. so eat a dick if you don't like it, blog troller. stroller bowler. anywho, i question whether my happiness is ok, is it ok for me to be appy this way? i see no future thats why i question it. i'll end up living a carefree life in the country, possibly still below the poverty line.

i'm NOT ok with that. sounds like i end up lonely, and in a hovel. i don't like the sound of that. ok so i won't end up being alone, if worse comes to worse im still a bachelor in 20 years, i'll think of osmething. i dunno. i don't like thinking about myself still drifting from job to job watching movies and playing videogames and enjoying lifes finer treats.

what about big dreams? what about travel? what about a secure future? no future is secure of course, but what about a PLAN? i don't live by a plan...thats what it is. the shakiness of my self cabalier goddamit V button attitutude is starting to shake me up a little.

...

...


the regret would get to me after w hile, if i continue to harbor it. its a crux, a crucial point for the seesaw of my life right now. do i keep going with it and force myself to be more worry free to deal with the rougher parts, all pollyanna style, or do I cut it out and "grow up"? with great power comes great responsilibity. does it work the other way around? i haven't been asked to do anything great, at least not by anyone other than myself i think. i wonder if i've ever actaully asked myself to do this stuff? i don't think so, i just think about doing it. I've been handed nothing, unless most of these thoughts really are form some outside source and someone else who can't say it to my face wants me to goto the moon and what have you, so should I? should i change that little bit? or stay a safe giant human adult baby? lazy wolf preying on the sheep but never really doing anything else?

hmmm...

life.

its getting all to....transparent, insubstantial, and slightly neon nowadays.

i wager my human perspective isn't enough to handle omnipresent godmonster decisions. its always been go sit down, be quiet, stand in the corner, do this....follow directions, then i pushed back and work against to be that hand against to see what happens and after doing that for years i see both sides and that humans have been for eons and generations just running around in circles not doing anything for themselves in the longrun.

may i have some assistance in bringing my dreams to reality? I would rather be on a team....

right now i am going to relax and repose, meditating on the night a hurricane was rolling in on ashley williams house in viera when i was living there, and i can see and feel it now. i can even smell the warm electric wind blowing across me and watching the fake lake waters on the green shores under stormcloud obfuscated sunset. the whiplike snaps of palm fronds toughing it out against the rising windspeed as the black clouds get closer, ahhh....

its one of my sweeter memories from being awake. Truly i love and miss thunderstorms.

I can't stay up here in the north. i need a jungly island and always have.

i need to follow through on stuff. for myself. i need to find or make up a reason to do things for myself, as made up and bizzare as i seem. this world and I share a quality of fabrication that derides me of motivational fervor.

like any good wannabeleiver i would jump at a voice form the sky, burning bush, or any other source that hasnlt been marred by untrustworthy ness, like the human mouth.

i ponder.