asunderated

lets lay down the lumber:

not making enough money? or not as much as quickly as i would like? B

my goal is 3000$ at least; to move and pay for an apartment and get a new job in new place to live. so far i have: the next two paychecks saved. Minus 20$ for some contacts.

My problem? unsubstantiated obligations. ones that were never said and cemented in reality, only assumed by my unfazed imagination. Heh. so i buy pizza and food for the house at least once a week, why not? I'm a nice guy.

so its back to this, is it? Well being an asshole doesn't save me any money either; i just want to slam a few guinness after work instead because all i can do is get grumpy when i act like an ass. so i get half off the bar, which of course, i love to buy drinks for friends.

Is it ok to stomach friendliness and giftliness? i guess. its just hard because its always my first thought and inclination...

oh yeah those. i guess i gotta work on that then? Wacky?

Wanna know something funny? when i lived by myself and my rent was 350$ a month, i didn't save any money then either. well, i mean i would get like up to around 800$ and then blow it on something, mostly because i didn't think too far ahead. lets see, i was dancing then? yeah i was then i moved upstairs and paid the same amount as a janitor. then i blew my money on a motorcycle project that was a bad idea, college i had to cancel right away because of job switching, and then a hurricane came.....then i never saved any money when i lived with em.

I need a woman who is good with money? nah i just need to stop remembering i have it. and stop spending it. granted, i've only spent about 300$ on myself the past month and a half i've had two jobs, because i had to pay my bail, and then the restitution to jc penney. alright so i've no more holes to fill in. lets assume i get like 100$ tommorow, then supposedly 500$ on tuesday because i always lowball my paychecks. (thats always been true.) 600$. thats.....1/5 the way there. 2 more weeks and i get another 500$, and hopefully i'll be switched into another job. If i can get in serving at applebees or tgi's, then i get cash in pocket at least. that and servers up here get min wage: 7.15 an hour. so thats not bad either. if i can get both places going than maybe the money will stack up a little quicker. supposedly.

i miss emily. she was there to cuddle when i needed cuddles.

thank goodness for technology. i had a great time talkin with my bro today, which took away most of the stress for at least a little bit.

i know that hey, im a large part of my problems.

LOOK OUT ITS THE GREAT WHITE PANTHER!!!

i like the sound of that, a panther with a paintjob to look like a great white shark? lol.

sorry. at least ADD is distractful.

i wonder what guinness will think of my inquiry? lol probably laugh it off and say "no thanks!" or more than likely give me a stodgy, business like demeanor with a sickly PR taste to it. "yeah, we don't do that at all. we're sorry! thanks for enjoying our product and do it responsibly!"

goshasaurus rex, batman! that woman is showing her ta-ta's!

my mind is here and there this evening. whatever. its late, i m not sleepy due to not doing anything all day, i don't want ot eat because i know i'll just be up longer. so i relax a little, and fuck you im listening to Enya because its soothing.

reminds me of when i was a kid and i had the tape my sister gave me of shepherd moons and watermark on it. so i have those albums right now. i got two malajube cd's today, they are cool! and links to some great electronix to boost my collection. i got a LOT of music to delete tommorow, crap i got for other people, stuff i kinda used to listen to but not anymore. mostly punk. that, and....


WHAT THE HELL!!!??? i founda picture of josh wales. from his trip to italy last year. that guy is awesome, but i doubt he can still run faster than me, It looks like he gained like 30lbs man. What happened? oh yeah, he became involved in all his studies and stopped playing basketball n running around i bet. i miss the goodtimes we had man. he gets married in may this year.

I measure myself in this instance by how much and when i was involved in other peoples lives. it would seem I was there, and things were going great! i loved my friends and the time we spent together when i was younger; it kept me out of th ehouse and away from parents. Now my friends are out of college, and where are we? they are looking for jobs as molecular biologists or whatnot, getting married and doing what i didn't.

couldn't.

and where am i again? alas i won't share that; we all know the sad tale that is. Why do i study the past so much? because im sure theres something im missing; something i lost that perhaps others retained? or is it i just miss the goodtimes so much because it was a time i didn't have to worry about .....anything. all i stressed over was girls, i never even gave grades a second thought.....or the future.

hmm, i live so much in teh moment, i think i may have overdone it? but i spread so much joy....or at least used to. when you smile with other people, you breed smiles. when you smile alone in the corner....i probably look like a loon.

what was that i said earlier? don't ask when you can tell. don't tell if you don't know. and if you don't know, ask.

where was i? lol yeah lamenting. heh.

well i can share one thing; the sciences have provoked some possible plans. there are things i would actually like to do, and spend the time to learn how to do them. great! i found some extensive, expensive hobbies. Well the first thing on my list is to get a home. and grow food there. and then build extra room so friends can stay with me too. and family, though i'll only allow my parents to visit. my sister and her family will always be welcome to stay as long as they liked; i intend to build a house with many, many rooms so that those i invite will always have a room there, if nowher eelse.

because of all the things in life so far, i love spending time with friends. and since i don't want to spend my life trading time for money, im going to start out with a place to live first.

so i'll ugh and urgh and complain all the while i have to bleed for money, because i know i can make it pay off later on. It jsut sucks that all the good things are in another state or in the future. goddamit this is where Em walks up and hugs me and tells me it'll all be ok.

or someone does.

or, nobody, as it turns out. its a good thing i can rely on myself, or i'd have quit by now. its a bad thing i know i'm not physically invincible or i'd be happy regardless.

ninja out.