No Clipping

first, i would like to introduce two people who, with their nameless image alone, made me understand why a pilot would tape a photo of Bettie Page up in their cockpit. Because even the dead record that constitutes this image is enough to inspire hope to overcome all obstacles to perhaps, one day, just get to meet them. Hope that there are women this beautiful, and that sometimes...they come in pairs. And should they mere mortals be, then in comfort layeth I with mine mortality.












If anyone perhaps perusing this paragraph might know the names to go with these two, then cool! I'd love to get a picture like this signed. Some dare to dream. I daresay i dare more than most dream.


...Beware the following, o loyal beaver cleavers, for past the summary of mine cinematic venture this eve lies a wandering trail of thought that is scripted in prose beyond its natural state.

Speaking of which, Night at the Museum was pretty damn good, i liked it. The preview for the next fantastic 4 movie looks fucking AWESOME! w00t for silver surfer, bitches! his cosmic powers are greater than yours. Next year is gonna rock for movies. 2007? Whodathunkit? And now we relapse, beg pardon, relax into what has unrested my mind of late.


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So, like mouth puckering smuckers, i want to spread myself over too much bread. But with my excessive energy unfurled i tend to just get it all lumped up in one spot and them my toast only looks appetizing to the type of woman who i fear would eat me by accident. in her sleep.

not wanting to be becoming to those who's largeness is life, i wouldst rather remain truer still to myself and those dreams those others call laffable. I have skill, yes, but the most honed edge i own is that which i've spent more time doing, apparently. Those arts of martial stature that i've studied and wielded for years everlong, i abandoned in hopes that i could magically begin and be amazing at something else. Always starting and later parting, i lost my focus when i lost the twinkle in my eye.

When i was young and i was in the zone, when i was charged and focused, when i knew i was the best, thats when i was winning. I was the best fighter of my division. That which i applied myself completely became my conquered domain. Then something happened.

I slacked. I was raised to be a timid janitor, to bow my head and take my beatings and swallow my sour luck and clean up other peoples messes. With innocence and unconditional love in hand, i gave in to my harsher masters. Through faults of my own and those seeded by others my downfall embalmed my waking life to robotic servitude. The subtle voice of my dreams reaching out with angst and pain. I hurt now because in my past I hurt that which has ever brought be happiness.

And when i escaped, or was run off rather, from the tortorous rule, i didn't change. It was as if i had forgotten who i was in the midst of heartbreaks and heated arguments. With no one in my corner, i was the one left with the choice of what to do about the hurt. And when i didn't know what to do, when i didn't know which voices to trust, it was just me. And i did the first thing that came to mind, i became tougher. I survived, i became numb. I never lost my interest, only the sensitivity in my touch.

the lowliest lifeform knows how to survive. And that was all i became. There are times i hesitate to claim as my own victories, actions that saved me that were not of my hands. Luck or Doom i was grateful for help, even invisible aid.

And it took me a year of waking up to feel the touch in my fingers again. To see that glint in the eyes of my reflection. It took the absurd cold to bring the warmth into my bones, and the dreams of kisses to shock my heart back from the dead.

Oh how i would lament at my misfortunes, at those who had more money or a close person to back them up when it got tough. How silly it always seems in hindsight. Mayhaps the comedy of history was the first hand to grasp mine submerged one. You friends of mine would be the first to call out now "You were not alone! There were people there to help you!" and alas you are wrong. For the help i needed had to founded on understanding, and the human who has been closest to me these 23 years so far only just realized what was going on with me in the past few months. My sister, though she loved me, was not behind me in the past. The forces that drove her away were the same that kept me chained. I did what i had predicted after enough tough breaks, i got tougher. I never joined them, not at the core, i wore the face of a friend in the presence of mine enemies. a lie that always hurt me in the end.


And just like every single other time, any sort of revelation comes at a time when it feels like i can do nothing about it. At a time when i've been let go from my job and my pocketbook bequeathed to a strangers hand. When the best plan i can think of is just beyond my reach. For the icy imprisonment that held circumstance enabling me to think is naught but expensive to escape.

Logistics hardly make it easy to juggle appropriate actions in the realm of manners. Should i ask a loved one for money? Or steal it from an unwary personnage? Hypothetical conjecture, of course, for who would ask for more money when one has plainly squandered enough on one's own.

You see? The error lies not solely with my plans, but with my aim. I do not need to leave anywhere, truly, because that has always been the problem. It always seems like other places are easier to start over in, when one is just trading one set of troubles for another. And though familiar troubles seem easier, they are only tolerated with greater temperance as opposed to being traversed with any greater speed.

I have gone in too many circles. And my first advice i would give to myself is to do something different. And in this case, that would be to not make any plans, not care for anything or one but myself. I shall train on my own, to the degree at which i am able, and let the world change around me. We shall see what the future holds. The present hold only another ledge to leap from, and walking on the edge is such a half-assed commitment.

So remember the Beautiful who bring hope. The chance that i may find one who will finally, at long last, love me. Or, in ninja land, two of them ;)

walk through walls? fly? invincibility?no, i wish i could love, like humans do.

PS: edit achieved.