augmentation contemplation

this escape is starting to elude me; the thick walls of security once sheltering me in my blogging repose now a draining sense of protection. I can type what i think here but know before i finish a sentence its only another echo; another useless sentence of me describing my existence in listless fashion.

i had vision set so well before, but something i am unaware of keeps pushing me towards nowhere, just pushing me to push me. I don't fear the edge but lose touch after so much repetition; my brains getting beat out by depriving repetitions. The once familiar is now lost from me, and old memories are brightening, recent ones shaded in their fading light. what it means to be an adult human being in the Marketplace Empire is losing meaning. what i lack i have trouble finding, what i am in abundance of i can't get rid of quick enough. my balance is never in my hands and i find myself scampering around trying to reach that which was once easily reached; sanity.

just kidding i was never sane, lol. but balance, i shouldn't get rooted anywhere, i do not think, i find myself absorbing too much around me, in this case its mostly distractions. I become all to absorbed in digital distractions, when the act of distraction used to be enough that the distraction didn't matter, now the art in itself is losing color, style, receding to a grayscale monopoly of my time where subsequent days melt into one big blobulous mess.

i live in a place that is demanding i demand more of myself, for some reason. i lack the discipline but not the use for it. i met a pretty girl but didn't think to ask her for her number. i produced a bountiful harvest but lack any interested parties. Time, the awkward default you cannot escape, i suspect.

i lack the patience to mold myself, but don't know my limits. im not so stubborn to assume im limitless in lieu of self-understanding; instead the driving forces of late constitute a distinct lack of any need for consciousness. my mind wanders everywhere lately because i find nothing challenging except staying.

its hard to stay in one place, i now abhor thinking about the future because i see signs of age in the mirror. wear and tear on my body is stacking up, enough to where i'm scared i'll end up an old man somehow by surprise, lonely, a pauper and probably in a hut in a forest or on a beach.

i don't know anymore. life hasn't show itself to be anything like i had hoped it would be, and the things that i love don't adhere to any recognizeable patterns. Some of them are people and they are far away or near. Some of them are dreams and memories and i don't know where they came from, or where they are. the world has lost its magic and i find my once happy and bouncy self lost in a gray world where my shining light just fades off, less and less lights around as time drags itself forward. im not what i wanted to be when i was little, teenager, or young adult. im not what i want to be now, but in truth the only way i know of to be what i want to be is at the end of a road that will take me too long to go down, leaving me too old to be what i want to be in some catch22 of a lousy lifestyle choice. ok thats not true at all.

i just need to get out of winter wonderland up here and get myself back to a place with a proper climate. and work, i guess. winter is so hard.

i feel sick, but its probably just indigestion. too much pizza.