immolation

i'm so fucking angry lately that i hate having to type it out. i have no solace, no calm, no quickness to patience.

i want to punch a baby in the face until i feel its spongent brains pulping between my knuckles and pavement. if teh means were available to me i would drown people until my hate was satiated.

too much already, its too fucking much! i can't be nice anymore. I can't be cool, awesome, kingly or friendly. i am no fucking servant and im sick of making human's food. cook for yourself you bastard!

making up disturbing thoughts like Ownership and Godliness. Fuck you, humans. Children, never ending children as far as the horizons go. People who get together in groups to fuck up other poeple, just to live a little longer. I have no guilt, shame, remorse, happiness, glory or laughter.

i have friends, probably not for long, and you know what? They are the greatest people in the whole fucking world. They have liked a worthless fuck like me for years. I am not totally given over to shit and of course still love puppies and making people laugh, but for what? Am i a fucking giggling doormat? Am i here to wipe your endless ass because i'm not fucking rich? your rich little kids could be ended oh so quickly with any number of maneuvers as small as a fork in the eye, and for what? because they shot out of some well placed vagina?

my own ridiculous father can't deal with his own issues and he's going to therapy. he sent me an email about some people's missing child, of which i exploded and told him the baby was probably gutted and used to smuggle low grade heroin into this ridiculous country. I also added that i'm sick of being nice because its mostly a facade at this point and it does no one any good to be a yes-man. i also said to stop bothering me with that fucking crap and questioned how his empty nest syndrom was so bad.

Im a fucking horrible person, but who cares? i could have held his hand and forwarded that email to all my friends and said "dad, its ok! you can be obsessed with your grandkids and whatever! you'll be fine and there's a big invisible jewish zombie ready to grant your every wish for being good!"

fuck that! i would rather tell him to sh.ut up and stop snivelling than spoon anymore christian filth onto his plate. i'm going to be killed, immolated, shoved six feet under and all because i'm sick of smiling through my teeth.

i want off this world, i want out of this demand on my life and im ready to end anyone ready to fight me for my breath and sweat. nobody own's anything and unless people are ready to get along and stop policing eachother then i'm all for killing each and every one of you worthless fucks.

i would settle for a wife who loved me and i'd be stomaching the rest of this planet's need to feed but no; girls assume a good looking guy is trying to pull or play something and ignore me. they giggle in gaggles and try to compete with eachother in being the purest one; assuming each other slut in their group is going to suck my cock the second they're out of sight. in the end i'm left alone and they all are content with overcoming an invisible monster. anyone that doesn't fit into that group has a boyfriend already and won't do anything unless i show up on a shining steed and armor that is far beyond my means of having.

i'm a 25 yr old exchanging an hour at a time for minimum wage because i feel the loyalty to friends i have near me in thiws worthless town. anything i want to do with myself is a hopeless dream because i can't just go do it without getting beat up/thrown in jail because people feel the need to drain other people and make a profit off of selling their slave's sweat to other bitchy twats.

i don't have the power or the means to bleed the world. the most that would happen is i would manage to end a few hundred lives before some well practiced sniper caught up with me. even if i managed to patiently store 10 years of energy into say blowing up whats left of the icecaps or building some super-tank-whatever i'd still end up fighting as a mortal.

fucking mortality.

Hey you, wake up! That's right you're a brand new human being! welcome to a world of slavery, pain, and fleeting happiness. you're beloved dreams that quell you in your sleep are ever out of your grasp, so you might as well enjoy window shopping! And try not to get in peoples' way or trip. a

And don't you FUCKING DARE eat or smoke anything that's growing on this planet. you might enjoy it, stop working for your master, and be able to understand the half-monkey you are.

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i am only half good, apparently, at anything creative. i am a natural destroyer and everything i have ever worn has fallen to pieces. i pay guitar and nobody bothers to say "dude, you're awesome!" while im playing.


I DON"T UNDERSTAND!!!

why do my friends even like me? they don't appreciate any of the things i try to do on purpose, so it must be something i'm not doing intentionally, WHICH IS DRIVING ME CRAZY. i suspect they are true angels and love me for who i am, BUT I DON"T FUCKING HAVE ANY IDEA WHO THAT IS. other than some spiritual trash-can who is made of invincible materials. hooray, i can withstand all the worlds bullshit, but to what end? Where is my goddess? Where is my sword?

where is adventure? where are all those promises made to me? where is anyone who cares about things past their noses, wallets, houses, religions?

...

i need a hug and a slap in the face from someone who is willing to put up with me when i'm like this. i have lost all hope. the only trudging left is towards impossible seeming goals because i never give up. even when in retrospect i probably should have left well enough alone.


i don't have an off switch, or a goto sleep switch, or even a Just Chill Out button that lets me ride the wave on by the bays i can't swim in.

Grrrrr.......