fate's rather visible hands

Its' true, fate's rather visible hands resemble my own. My actions have ever been the vessel of mine procession through life. They hit too many keys on the keyboard, they tickle and tease, eloquently distress my psyche and thoroughly fiddle around when left idle.

Hands of fate, but which tools to use? Bother circular logic.

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i turned 25 years old recently. It was a bit unsettling. I have often been called "water-sign" this and "liquid filled" that, and the metaphor holds true. I am like flowing water, hard to keep in one place and in great need of structure for support. I can wear anything down, clean anything up, quench anyones thirst and am happy to swim with the fishes. But deep down lies a darkness that no light seems to have reached, and its not an evil kind of darkness.

its just a lonely kind. I harbor no ill will towards other living creatures, and though sometimes like the ocean i feel like i'm everywhere at once, on the inside i have yet to feel connected to someone else.

love is fleeting, and turning a quarter of a century was like a knell rung on a silver bell. Many of my closest friends are now happily married, degrees and other displays of accomplishment adorning their mantles. And in my wanderings have only experience to stuff my pillow. I am not insecure with myself, i am solid in confidence as ever, but i often worry about my appearance to my fellows. I do not wish to be seen as a layabout, weirdo, creeper or loser.

What i have ever sook (past tense of seek? seeked? forsook? looked for? i digress...) has been a mate that matched me. I strived long and hard to shake off the dorky look and am proud to say today im a handsome man. But in my shallow composure i still find my quirky personality and probably ADD rattled brain, or whatever source of my weirdness still present. Gossip still dogs me where ever i go, for some raisin (ahhh futurama, i love that phrase corruption) and i perhaps just think too much. think too freakin goshdarn much.

the only girl that i am aware of being smitten with me is....17. heres the fun part! When i first moved here about a year ago, she worked in subway. Upon first seeing her i felt some mixture of shitting my pants shock and heavenly light. Of course, as with all things of great shock and surprise, i immediately dodged it and held it in my mind for further scrutiny. (That is, the actual panic and shock was latent in its release and didn't hit me til later, its like some sort of survival reflex where i stay calm and collected in the face of all apparent danger and surprise) Anywho i was later informed that the girl that just floored me was 16 and i thought to myself "too soon" and put the thoughts of her on the highest shelf above my backburner, and settled to just stopping into subway to talk to her when i wanted delicious subway cookies. The best part? She never treated me like i was 8 years older than her. So as we got to know eachother better, it became more and more apparent to me that this girl was such a good match for me that i wish the heaven's take on my life wasn't such a cosmic joke.

So now she's 17. Oddly enough she shares a birthday with my mother, of which i have no idea what to think on that coincidence except it makes it easier to remember. So now i work at a pizza joint in town trying to make short ends meet when, who's this? Her older sister! Now the effect of a Tall, Dark, Handsome man with a wit to boot apparently has the same effect on all the girls in this family (the one forementioned 17yr old has two older sisters, including this one i now work with and have only recently met). And that effect is: apparently brainwashing. This girl, who is 20, is a spunky redhead with a dirty mind and a blacksheep just like me. Two puzzle pieces couldn't do a better job of getting along right away, but of course, theres a cave full of eat.

She's got a fiance! i thought that was funny, and of course do not mess with people in a relationship (unless you count that one lady i took home from the bar but i didn't know she was married at the time, thats another story). So i get along with this 20yr old who would also be a fantastic find if she wasn't already, err, found and thats ok because i still get along better with her younger sister, which aggravates me all the more.

WHAT THE FUCK, huh? I'm not an idiot. and im no pedophile either, you digital passersby, and of course i've thought about how much fun sex would be and i know that the legal age of consent in this state is 17. I dare not pursue it because she does not represent to me a Quickie and i'm no longer in the mood for a sex friend.

I need a relationship. I can still keep my head in this bizarre mire of swirling inconsistencies, but why? To follow social protocol (and traditional parent-mindedness) i would have to wait til she's out of highschool. Which i'm not opposed to at all. I much more wish i had a woman my AGE, (UGH AGE!!! a concern i never held loftily til of late).

But i would do whatever it takes to marry this girl, provided things continued on a path of us getting along and whatnot.

So its like i'm bit by the marriage bug and i know not what to do. I was never meant to be alone, its the only (or one of few) things i've known since i can remember things. When i was a child i felt incomplete and dreamed about having a wife, girlfriend, whatever you want to call it. Someone to love.

I am all to aware of my faults and how humans rarely find what they are looking for while they are looking for it. I keep my chin up, my brain free of unneccessary things like thought, and keep on truckin'. Because in times like these when i don't know what to do, and i feel like the butt of a burnt out cosmic joke, then i know its better if i don't interrupt and let it play out.

but patience is harder than self-discipline because my brain never stops regardless of how much i know i don't need to be doing anything. I give my days over to dreamland and sleep away opportunities to spend what little money i have, but lose time i could use advantageously out of fear i will be messing up yet another thing.

My thoughts are everywhere, pykrete doppelgangers running on magnetic flywheels and doing everything i can to walk the spidersilk tightrope of landing the right girlfriend. I can come on too strong and must measure my steps according to my statistical introspection. I must not worry.

Must not sleep, must warn others (ha ha, good advice.)

i must keep my eyes open for opportunity, but let the world work her ways. Sure i imagine myself a goddess for a mate but understand that as foggy the line between dream and reality may be, i must walk both sides of it. Don't lose the dream but keep close to the ground.

Metal band musical pursuits. science related hobby projects. Income and supporting a wife. Land and building a house. Legal matters. the state of the world, by opinion of the groups of humans running around in it and my end decision of where i choose to play in the grand gamehouse of earth's rapidly deteriorating or possibly sloughing surface.

I am not worried about my survival, lo i am concerned for the growth and sustainment of my dreams instead.

and in the end: it matters not to what ends i put my hands of fate, just as long as i have a body to caress with them lying near to me at the end of the day. To surmise my dreams of a wife, i want a woman who is excited to see me, who crawls into my lap or cuddles me on the couch. who wants to be the little spoon to my big spoon. And of course, personal fitness and hygeine are so much a must as to be considered common sense, but figured i should throw those out there. Beauty comes from within, and it is only a mask we can make for ourselves. I can go straight back to looking like a doofus but choose not to because i like the way i look.

in retrospect i could be infintitely happy if i never lied. If i never lied to my best friend and told her i didn't, couldn't love her, then i'd still be in florida troubles past and i would have asked her to marry me by now. oh well. friends we are but love has moved on for her, though not for me.

learning from past mistakes is good, if not stomach droppingly terrifying. The larger the hindsight the broader spectrum taken in, and in truth, my mistakes as i would call them are so much the Shots in the Foot that i'm surprised i'm alive, let alone running around.

Lesson: don't be afraid of commitment. especially since its the structure i crave and need. to be completed.

ahhhhh......time will tell.

i miss you friends.

PS: dionator i read up on your blog, i love it! its nice to see deeper into your head than i've seen before! i think its funny and absolutely appropriate that we share many similar opinions on the physical....activities. but more on that another time.