what kinds of things....

OK, so i was walking around the corner today. I'm all fancied up for an interview, white long sleeve button up shirt, black slacks, awesome tie, shades, gelled hair and freshly showered.

And there she is. with her mom. My first instinct was to smile and nod and keep walking, and then she had to speak.

"he there" she said without really looking at me, i wonder if it was to try and sound polite or what.

and my stomach just flipped over. What the FUCK!!!! how can a person have such a large physical affect on me? the echoes have been ransacking me all day.

there needs to be some kind of closure. These random passing-by's are throwing me for loops. Big fucking fruit loops. what am i supposed to do?

am i in love? for real? well fucking great because she seems to loathe me entirely. now what do i do? i didn't choose the way i feel, i just do!
AAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!

what kinds of things were the gods thinking? giving all the ability to care and none of the ability to do anything about it....

i want to cry and scream and laugh and probably poop too. all at once. i need a shoulder for once that I get to use, maybe a rub on the back and a soft "it'll be ok pete". my brain knows things will be ok.

but my heart is all whacked and speaks some foreign language.

im lost in a desert of unknown and there's no oasis. i can make it, but at what cost? Life is becoming so weird. I guess that she doesn't even know what it is she does to me. she doesn't act like she knows. she isn't cruel, so she means no maliciousness. and should i tell her?

i don't even know what it is she does to me!!? what the fuck man!! what do i say "oh hey, you make me feel like i won 1st place and shit my pants? like i could accomplish everything and want for nothing? that its like being punched in the face by cotton candy?

anyone seen the first spiderman movie? remember the part when pete is talking to mary jane over his aunt in the hospital? how come smooth stuff like that doesn't leap to mind on those spur of the moment social interactions when someone is walking out of an Angel's Diner and i'm all unprepared. my love remains unlyricized and raw instead of me shakespearing her to the core.

whatever. i can barely collect my thoughts now.
let alone my feelings, which i was ever dubious about having anyways and now know that it just took the right person. my brain knows. my brain knows too much. it wants me to calm down but take action. it wants me to wait but not too long. and when i ask when it says "what?"

WHAT THE FUCK.


i want to scream for help but wouldn't know what to ask for specifically. i don't want deliverance because its nice to have feelings, even if its some belligerent rollercoaster of torturous bliss. But i don't want to be unsuspectedly jostled just because i'm walking down the street. who does?