idspispopd

you get 10 dork points if you understand the title of this post. If you know a dork, go ask them. They might know.

...

my 'rents sent me a.....homemade dvd for xmas. and a chocolate bar. While the picture collages were nice (my neicelet and nephew are adorable, after all), the 2 stories on it were kinda....creepy, and the song they put to a montage they made of me was totally.....i'm at a loss for words, and not in a good way.

I'm sure it was supposed to reach me on some deep level, to perhaps bring a tear to my eye or a stirring to my (missing?) heart. It did no such thing. I miss my sister and her family, and i miss when my family all got along well. the pictures of my father from the past few years, it looks like the light has gone from his eyes; its aweful. I barely recognize myself in those pictures. And, its obvious why i've a history of loneliness: i looked weird and usually acted like it. No wonder.

I think 2 of my favorite pictures were of me and madelyne where im crouching over her, it looks like a real picture, and the one of me and megan robertson :)

i miss her too. i miss a lot of people.

and i wonder, what has happened to me? and i remember..... i've never sat down and wondered who i was. it was never a question that rose up. And now that i do, i'm not sure. To me, I am a mystery. I'm naught but an amass of daydreams and an overactive imagination. perhaps? No, i know im something to other people.

But what, i'm not certain. Everyone see's me different, as i've gathered from their descriptions of me. So i just go on like i always have, just being me and using that as a definition. I know i can't find the answer to such a thing, its nonsensical; i am who and whatever i want, limited by this ridiculous human body.

I can give you one constant that i remember from the earliest times of my life til present. Love. I've ben in love with something for a long time. aware of something else, indeed, and that sounds just silly. siiiigh.

i guess thats how i come across, lol.... silly. Which is ok, i love to make people laff.

...
i feel like a walking scar. A scar means the wound always heals; but not that i cannot be wounded. i've made my mistakes, and naught but I am responsible for where my feet stand at any given moment. I wish i had realized that sooner.

I wish i had realized i was such an emotionally needy person. In case you hadn't noticed, i've been doing what i think i can do about it. The result has been a slow, painless death of my heart. It would seem that the love i desire so much is still unfound. I've considered myself a finite resource now, in the worst case scenario, and that unconditional love was something abused by others, and myself.

innocence is only an inexperienced step away from ignorance, and i'd rather not be either.

why do i desire so much destruction? why does it come to me, even unbid? its why i've loved emily, she was one of the few who saw me for who i was, and knew that it was ok even when i didn't. "the world needs destruction too" she would say. and i knew in my heart she was right, but it hurt to know that it meant that to be the real me would turn my history upside down.

sheesh, a huge rambling rant just because i watched a homemade dvd probably made because someone think they love me; when as far as i can tell they only love their made up idea of me.

i love someone who has yet to appear to 5 of my 6 senses. i've not know how to conjure her, because i didn't realize that i had to. I'd like someone to play with. its all i've ever wanted. someone who plays like i play, rain or shine.

itunes isn't working, and im gonna try and get some sleep. i've had more rememberies today, of dreams i had when i was a child. I'd like to find the places i dreamed of, perhaps i'll find some clues? but i know i'll find some peace.


and peace, for me, is the exact opposite of its classical definition. its in thunderstorms, and ruins.


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i bet plants think of people as unripened food. i bet they think of coffins as a horrible insult.