nevada beaches

(or the alternative title "fault lines")

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i wonder about myself sometimes. In these moments when i've nothing to do. Let me extrapolate for a moment. (well i'd 've done it anyways. here we go.) I'm home from work. I've no project steps to tread as i have to wait for $$ so i can buy parts (monday) and there aren't any researchables i'm into tonite. I'm awaiting word back from brother, best friend, a page in a wisconsin book, and my sister. So i've got time to chill with no distractions. (nothings on tv until a little while, and i've played some guitar already and am resting my fingers.)

I lent my headphones to my friend of whom i got his computer working. He's pretty much the only person i've hung out with lately outside of work. He's a cool guy, but i wonder about myself. I only have one pair of headphones, but i lent them to him so he could enjoy all the cool stuff i have on my harddrive, which is in his computer. I didn't even think about not being able to listen to music while on the bus, in the garage, or walking around.

My first reaction to people is to offer assistance for some reason. Why? why do i give things away, be nice and generous? It seems like a possible fault, if given over to excess. And im an excessive person for the most part, at least in my opinion. When i work, i work my ass off. i play hard, i rest easy, when im lazy you can't move me without extreme temptation. I don't get pissed like i did when i was a kid, which is a good. Thank karate lessons for anger management. admiteddly, i do get pissed when i mess up on stuff. I figure im allowed to be mad at myself for messing up, perhaps as a tool for pushing myself further to be better. It bothers everyone else though.

Granted, im no saint. I lapse on chores, i wait to be asked instead of just doing stuff too much probably (that ones getting better as of late). But what of the generosity? It seems to be more helpful than not to me. I invite strangers in from the rain. I just give stuff away. Heck i've given all my guitars away that i've ever owned. (well the electric ones, technically my classical is from my mom and i wouldn't give it away.) I volunteer my help without thinking about whether i really want to or not, like today the bartender mentioned she needed to do housework, something she mentioned before. I know a lot about housework, so i immediately offered to help her, without thinking that i had plans already and that i was just plain tired. I wasn't even thinking about sex, which would've happened (yeah its that bartender).

weird. im one weird person. Im an advocate of self-reliance, independence, selfishness (not greed), yet i seem to hypocrisize myself on a daily basis, except that from my point of view im not overdoing it. I'm not giving someone else my bread when im hungry, just when im not. I don't give homeless people money, and im not even an ass to them. Im polite to practically everyone, wait no, everyone. Weird.

whatever, guess its no use thinking about it, as i don't seem to have any troubles that have stemmed from such activity. Actually, they turn out for good most of the time, especially when i don't do anything negative for myself as a consequence (for instance, i don't turn tails-up pennies to head-up luck pennies anymore, because i get the bad luck.) I'm not overlysuperstitious mind you, but hey lucky pennies are awesome.

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i seem to have spawned another nickname at work, as they call me peter there, now they refer to me as hurricane peter, because of how i work. it made me laff! how appropriate.

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I've come to a startling conclusion about my parents. They were just fine! Awesome people! fucking fantastic! what ruined my childhood? my moms religiousness. stupid, stupid religion. She warped my father, and she had her own issues too. So now i know who the enemy is, if he even exists. I really hope he does, because that'll be one fun fight. though perhaps it might not be their actual god, its possible it was just the shitty religion.

examples: music. my dad listened to awesome stuff when he was younger! Kiss, black sabbath, iron maiden, deep purple. the heavy metal of his day! My dad was a rocker! he wanted to play guitar! he was a super ninja-soldier etc. Then he met and fell in love with my mom and dropped everything she said was of the devil. What would have happened to my mom had she not been so religiously brainwashed as a kid (and i legitimately use that word, she did have a shitty childhood and was mentally abused, amongst other types of abuse.) What would have happened to my parents if they dropped their god? My dad would have played more. My mom would have been more expansive, more involved with the world in general. She wasn't stupid, in fact quite the opposite. She was just ignorant.

the pure and simple fact that i managed to drop all the stuff that is holding them back means they can do it to. i've been trying to help them for years, but i never thought it had so much to do with their asstastic religious beliefs. so now what? where is the ethical procedure for dealing with people whose beliefs aren't outwardly destructive, but worse. self-destructive becomes outwardly destructive.

i would say let them be. i have respect for my choices and my spiritual beliefs, so therefore i have respect for theirs. nothing wrong with disagreements, right? why should a disagreement, on opinions nonetheless, become the foundation of a fight? Other people are fucking wierd too.

for instance, one of our dishwashers at work is a badass! he busts his ass and is a good team player, and i do my part to take care of him too. hes a nice, cool guy. He raps, and apparently recently he has become Super Christian. he raps about jesus. he evangelizes about his religion by going around and sharing it with everyone by sharing his music. I'ev got no problem with him at all! I totally disagree with everything he believes, but i like the way he lives. He doesn't back down, he doesn't slack off, and he's very energetic about what he beleives in. I wonder what he would think of me though if he knew about my beliefs. If he didn't want to be around me anymore, id wonder why but not really have much of a problem with it. If he constantly felt the need to christianize me, i would take that as disrespect towards myself and my choices. Thats unethical, in my opinion. Unsolicited evangelizing. Questions don't count as unsolicited interaction. Questions should never be able to offend anyone, they are just questions after all. i think people who get offended so easily are silly anyways.

silly christians. the meek will inherit the earth. because the rest of us will blow it up and move away. haha, bitches!

that part of me that wants to be confrontational deserves more thought. I think i've been holding off for when i can back myself up more readily, and can take risks involved. Thats bullshit. i haven't had the balls before. Except i treat my spiritual stuff as a personal thing. Its private in the conversational sense. Hell im even vague about it here. So i don't feel the need to share it. And the ignorant christians, if confronted by me with a challenge to their god "is he in your pocket? pull him out i wanna see him." would just ignore me, and then jump up and down and point their fingers the next time i made some sort of mistake. "See, see!" they yell, "thats god punishing you! you shouldn't have doubted him!"

no, no, i reply. That was me looking at a hot, tight-pantsed server bend over while chopping some veggies. I cut myself. You calling me some sort of masochistic self punishing god? funny, thats what i call all of them.

funny thing, disagreements. I'm glad i got my opinion over my parents settled. Bad part = religion. right. now to remember that.

people are gonna believe whatever the hell they want. When are other people gonna realize this? You can share a hamburger, vacation, or email convo with anyone and still let them be. The best relationships in the world are all a balance of loving someone and at the same time, letting them be. because you love them for who they are. i need to write a story about all this. oh wait, i am.


its about a ninja. and his goddess. you can imagine what else is in it....lol! i win. in my opinion, all libraries should have a fictional autobiography section.

time to take 5, internet demons. 5. what a funny number. i think i should link the principia discordia on here, for its humurous and deep subtextual value if nothing else. "King Kong Died for your Sins!!!!" indeed.

when was the last time you pooped your pants? pooped someone ELSE's pants? (better not have been mine.)

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