i thought that dirty jokes were likened to corrupted fruit after i began a conversation with a man by stating "bandages = panda jizz" and he replied to me a blank stare to which i added "baby panda jizz" and he grew shrewd telling me that a baby panda was by nature immature and unable to jizz. I then told the man that baby pandas get to jizz, and he found himself embarrassed. im bare assed.

///

i was recently asked what turned me off and couldn't think of anything in particular. I have found a few answers including whorish behaviour, multi-dude dominance as a favorite thing and of course, everyones notfavorite, poor personal hygeine which i always knew but didn't think of to say when i was asked.

i guess multi-dude dominance would be a girl telling me she liked it when she had a threesome with two guys. and the best part was when one held her down while the other one...

i was never more horrified in my entire life. i never knew i hated that. until i heard it come out of a girls mouth. i was so shocked i couldn't even tell her how disgusted i was. i just shrugged it off and inside i was frowning harder than i ever imagined i could frown. i was mercilessly engaged with mental images of all that happening to a chick i liked, and instantly i lost all hope. respect soon followed.

if i ever hear anoyne else say it they will be instantly booted out of my life. told to get up and gather their shit and immediately leave regardless of where we are, short of kicking them out of a moving vehicle, in which i would get out if it proved better for me (ie not a boat or a plane). i digress too far into disgust and i apologize.

i instantly lost respect for myself because i liked the idea of being with two chicks for a long time. until then.

now i totally understand how one chick could feel about me being slopped on by two other chicks at once. and i now feel as bad about two chicks as i do two dudes. i must have some kind of built in monagamy genes because i totally never imagined multi-chicks was bad until i learned the horrible reality of multi-dudes.

///

from experience i can tell i need a girl that's waaaaaay more put together than most people, let alone most women. a diamond in the rough, so to speak, beautiful but not spoiled by the world. or trying to hit rock bottom.

in the surety of my awareness

do i state how things be planned for myself.

///

i have a weird sense of humor, i'm just glad it slides by unnoticed sometimes. I'm almost afraid of the person who sees me past the act, until i trust them. then its just inside jokes all day, like with nick. there is an intertwined sense of humor i really only got with him. our conversations are just absolutely hilarious sometimes. more are being written all the time, a book should be published.

you would buy it.

//

have you heard of my anonymous assistance program? "help from a stranger is help from a friend!" yay! ask me about it i'll be sure to send you some literature. its a service/information providement club. never heard of it? really?

//

humans as social echo machines. drinking blended strawberry thoughtaritas. then some people throw up, but whatever.

///

least but not last, i prithee listen to a tale most woeful. i am the god of machines! but my shit got jacked eons ago! ima king without a kingdom, but that doesn't make me crownless! i came here to get you because you can help me with the crazy aliens who dethroned me so to speak. because you are the god the rest of us fear the most. you are the god who doesn't die.

and you are older than everybody. /sadface. (babies crying)

and i was like, hey you need rescue, i need a favor... whaddya say?

my attention diverts to israfel and lesser kerubic patchwork. (ocremix? its music.)

o reservoir.

its like being called a cannibal.

i don't eat people. depending on what you define as "intelligent creature" and such will influence your definition of what it means to be a cannibal. (The screaming octopus theory; just because you can't hear the octopus screaming "no don't eat me" doesn't mean you're not a cannibal) i digress.

i had a close encounter recently. it ended abruptly and regrettably. like a poop that ends with a splattery fart. what was at one moment probably rather relaxing was suddenly a horrible mess.

what held some good memories for myself but ended in a mess was i mean by close encounter.

i often imagine myself a few steps behind a ridiculous future.

i either grossly compromise and take more heat than necessary or I get ambitiouslessly lazy. i become afraid of any repeated mistake-led consequences i carry the scars from already. I dream possibly too much, for i would love to be a captain of a boat only to build a giant floating island i populate with ninja clones of myself only to become a nation of one man able to contend on a world level. i'm a what? you must be stoned. I would never take over the world.

But i would certainly leave it behind.

with a spaceship and my infinite-me machine.

yeah distractions are commonplace. I daydream more than do anything.

ever.

But im all about getting a car soon. and with that freedom comes privacy, and with privacy i can grow.

i don't know why i need the privacy to grow. but i'm certain it or a part of it is necessary for me to get anything done. im talking about growing in a personal sense, meat-head. not anything else. so whatever. will i take advantage of it?

Why am i such a bum? i find it hard to care in this world. and without anything to care for, i find it hard to do anything except just be. Like the fat suicidal guy in invention of lying, given hope he would just stay alive not doing anything else except just slowly drinking himself to death. I'm nowhere near as bad as that only saying i empathize.

i have gifts i equate to strengths. i have options available. none of these seem any more important to do than the others, so nothing gets chosen. with an empty list of things to do i get nothing done all day. smoking makes it easier, to be sure, but its disgusting how little actually gets done. i know 60 year old men who do more on a daily basis than i do. i got lazy over the traveling years.

la la la. boring.

///

i find the safety in solitude agregiously taxing. i find as long as i am busy i don't notice. i find it easy to stop and start. i can finish things as long as i don't get distracted. or lose momentum. that sounds pathetic. i should be able to run through mountains or something. right? as a goal at least. I find the idea of hot girl without issues bordering on myth. or kids. or baggage. hot girl who's had her parents killed in a car crash, a divorce, a discharge, an abortion of her jacked mexican boyfriend's, no self-respect or esteem, self-destructive habits and a track record on a downward spiral? on top of this you lie to make yourself sound innocent and victimized in all situations, acting the damsel-in-distress type, act like a lying whore and then call me a creep because i apologized for saying something stupid when i was drunk?

actually im mostly sure that despite all that she was just calling me a name because she wanted a fight i guess, and possibly a win as well, neither of which i felt were worth it on my part so i just left. i also don't like winning in arguments because i usually do it overly harsh.

i felt recently like i have no great power other than "to overdo it". how to steer a super fast boat became my mode d'emploi so to speak. not that i've ever driven a boat. i sure would love to.

with a crew. yarrr.

ok we wouldn't have to be pirates, only able to defeat them.

i almost want a country life i think. a city life might be... too much? or just the right thing? Always having something to do and somewhere to go? I think it might be the right level of always available activity to keep me aloof from women and able to schedule my time better. i gotta go get the money. a money faucet i can go turn on whenever i want it.

i think city life might also just be crazy regoddamdiculous. is it worth it at my age? It doesn't have to be, i guess. I can still just do what i want i would do better with a crew though, possibly building my own?

i never do it anywhere anymore. florida was my experiment.

i find i should act like everything is an experiment to me.

almost everything.

ok certain things.

uh oh gotta go.

rant over. but seriously, in my defense, she had the body of a goddess.

i hate my birthday

i appreciate myself, to be true i certainly feel like i love myself! but due to a lack of accomplishments i find it hard to celebrate myself. and thus, i find my birthdays of these past few years to be increasingly more a tradition of repose and self-judgement than a congratulatory back slapping in tribute to my survival; let alone a party or really anything invovling other people. i wish i was a triplet, so i could kill one of myself in represtentation of the slaying of mine weaknesses.

Getting off one's ass is hard, and i don't see it getting any easier, so i better do it while i don't have any problems, children or pets. At least thats what my dead grandfather might of said, if i had ever had the chance to have a real conversation with him. he probably thought i was a dreamer fuckassed little worthless brown runt before he kicked his bucket and there is no way i'll ever know. anything.

i know how to take the reigns (for instance in one fell swoop i could elbow a coachman in the temple and take over a carriage mid gallop whilst leaping from horseback)

but maybe not when to take them...(i would probably be elbowing some groom on his wedding day while he was taking his newlywed wife home in a rented carraige.)

so let it be known! living ain't easy, but i'm not dead yet!

i hate myself right now. let it be known to the two (or three) of you that read this.

all i want is her.... i pray i didn't just fuck it all up. and i certainly don't want a lifetime's worth of "god i hope i didn't just fuck it all up"

im not perfect. perfection of myself in my eyes is always a lofty goal i yearn adn strive to attain. my confidence overshadows the pitiful faith of the zealot and stomps on the weak willed words of the passionate priest. I am a god in my eyes though albeit a growing godling.

there is no future for me but the culmination of mine energies. if i were to have sidelined multi-tasked agendas they would all be oriented to assist my crowning.

i love her so much but i can't say it yet. it kills me.

it kills me like being angry at my friends.

i can survive it all. i'm almost sorry to say they these words come from a lonely future where i've outlived all of you, but you know what? i love you. and you have to deal with it.

relatively speaking

hey, tommorow comes today.

///

everything i had and wanted to say just flew out my head; gone like so much smoke or spent like so much manjuice.

i almost can't decide whether im the friend that tells you not to smoke or buys you cigarettes. lately im both, to the same people. lol.

i find that i look great, though as for actual athletic shape i'm poorer than i used to be. I need to get back to the gym, that great place where i have something to do, get results, and fits into a schedule.

im full of useless shallow diatribe today. i have things i want to tell you, they rest on the top of my tongue, waiting for a properly timed release.

but you know me, i feel like if i talk about something i might jinx it.

rock gods

though not necessarily of music, i considered rock gods earlier today.

///


so i got internet hooked up here at my new apt. hooray! i can post here now. I have recently been upgrading parts of my life, and now stand to only face down the big things like furniture, a computer and a car.

i didn't win the barchampionship at work, which is ok because i was still on TV the most ;) something is to be said for looking good and getting a crowd going. a good king knows his prowess and exercises it well.


and thats what i do my best to be everyday; a good king. so when given the chance, i can be a great king.



and so i leave you here with less than you wanted ready to share more with you on the morrow... good night!

successorize

so we moved out of the ghetto and into our new apartment today. Its fantastic! I love it, its in Eastwood, a beautiful part of the city that is more like a village, safe, quiet, and most of all closer to work. i really, really like our place and can't wait to get some furniture so it feels more like a home.

work has been fun, i just finished training and get to make money and cover shifts! w00t! i'm tired, my only day off was today and i spent it moving up and down stairs all day, but its worth it! its worth every ache! fuck the ghetto and all the worthless wastes of space that live there.

i figured out how to wear a hat. i wear them backwards, it looks pretty good, and since i got this snazzalicious midori hat from work, i'll wear it til i pick a football team i like. I would like a generic sports hat, but i don't know if they make them. Somethign like Go Team Go! or Football!! lol...

im tired. exhausted even. i shall write more on the morrow, as i apparently pick up internet from somewheres here at home. Yay!

unending swirl, its like life in a maelstrom

so life is still turmoilish, though the growth of having a fantastic job (a job i am SUPER happy to have!) is stable, getting robbed was shitty and of course now its back to apartment hunting again.

I'm not a fan of apt hunting.. what? i didn't tell you how i got robbed? Who would rob me? well i live in the hood right now. somebody's little fuckin worthless kid climbed in through our second-story kitchen window, which has been left open since we moved in because its so hot, and stole shit including: 50$ cash, all the smokeables (who steals a dimebag? wtf?), my bb gun, headphones, and mp3 player (the samsung) and nick's camera and ps2. Jacked. Gone. Kaputz.

So i told nick i don't want to live in the hood (something i told him BEFORE he chose this place, but hey, it was his money he was putting down so my input held no weight really and thats ok.) I have no qualms with getting my own place at this rate because Nick's lack of doing anything has been bothering me. He seems so disgusted with even having to work, with life in general and i can't blame him, i feel it too, but at least i can stand it enough to keep pushing forward. I practice bar flair for work, i learn how to use Torque Game Builder so when i purchase it i'm ahead of the pack. I do stuff to enhance my future because my situation right now sucks sweaty goblin nuts. OK my life isn't t hat bad, but our apartment is. I'm moving out, if he can/wants to get a place together i'm still game, he's one of the closest friends i've ever had but if he can't get his shit together... i dunno. I'll gladly pay him back for all the help i've received thus far since my return from hawaii, but i don't feel obligated to stay in an unsafe apartment on an unsafe street with a ambitionless best friend.

So its back to apt. hunting. I might forgo and get a car and try to get a girlfriend (LOL) so i can sleep somewhere. just kidding. I may have some spare time but not enough to waste on emotions or the hope they promise. I'll get by with my hands and brains as far as i wager and leave the rest up to be taken care of by however or whomever gets it done, which might be a sleeping, dreaming me given what little i know of the macrocosm.

the music playing in panera right now is super deep and mystic piano, i like it. It reminds me of a slower phantom forest theme from ff6.

///

In other news, my health needs a boost since i got sick. My skin went KABLOOEY but it will go back down in a day or two, i just wish it would've over night. I don't like shedding at work, it feels gross, though i don't think anyone notices, you'd have to be me to notice i suspect. Where are the Elixirs, for crying out loud! And ribbons, while we're at it.

Speaking of work, i have to head there soon. I love it! I have wanted to be a friday's bartender for a while and am so thankful to be one now! I'm still in training as of this writing, which is just fine but ive been picking up extra shifts so i can get some sort of cash coming in so i can eat, do laundry, get robbed etc. (lol im so funny.) anyways. There are several good looking girls at work, one of which is another bartender my age with a 2yr old and a smokin' hot body and pretty fun personality. Very beautiful indeed, gorgeous green eyes, and italian! she reminds me of a bratz doll in her style sometimes, she's kinda thug i guess? Hard to tell, i would've tagged her as princess. Anyways, i'm playing it safe for now, she likes "bad boys" and keeps giving me big eyes, and its hard to concentrate on learning what im supposed to when she's all super hot and right there. Fun to tease, but i have to keep my job and i can always stick my dick in someone else if it comes down to it, but i'm good for now. but don't you dare think that if the opportunity arises i won't sleep with her, just as long as i know it won't threaten job security. Besides, there are two other couples at work already, a third would be harmless.





...

So... i gotta go for now. I hope we/I get a new place soon. til later....

PS: oh yeah, i love magic the gathering, its like chess with a thousand pieces and the artwork is SUPREMO but trying to juggle playing/teaching nick to play and everything else, is rough. I try to hide the cards when friends come over because i feel like such a dork, but whatever.

an anecdote to dote upon

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bartender lvl 4 Flare

Well, i have attained employment! I am now a bartender at TGI Fridays here at shoppingtown mall. A rather forward name for a mall, i would say, but fitting. I start tonight, in a few minutes, on my first day of training. I did work at the anchorage friday's as a server a few years back, and am stoked to be a bartender at one. I've been practicing my bartender flair, including bottle tricks, card tricks, jokes and whatnot. This job was made for me.

I got closure on the relationship with the married lady i was fooling around with. True to her form she's left me for someone else already, which i find amusing because she hasn't even finished leaving her husband yet either. In truth she is more trouble than she is worth; 2 kids, 2 soon to be 3 ex husbands and a commitment less attitude i don't care for. The largest downside is her lack of communication. I knew what i was getting into and due to lack of control of who my heart loves, i was willing to accept all flaws if she was willing to just stick with one person this time; mainly me. But no, she's been ignoring me for a month because she's been seeing someone else. Thats all i wanted to know. A friend said that hate is NOT the opposite of love; indifference is. I would like to say that i agree. Just as much, i abhor a lack of communication. Not knowing what the hell is going on is worse than knowing the worst has happened.

My fuckbuddy is turning out to be a great friend and this only increases the hilarity of how we came to meet in the first place. I'll speak more later, now i must go.

return from the shadowlands

months has it been since i've written on these pages, smattering them with sloppy thoughts barely converted to anything understandable.

poetry bears no tap; no faucet. It doesn't flow when i want it to. It just drips enough to wet my words and occasionally flashes in flood like form.

I should try to catch you up on the past few months. I went to hawaii, It was the most beautiful place i have ever been; the weather was perfect, fruit rained from the trees and fish practically leapt out of the water into your mouth. Work was as scarce as discomfort and everything was twice as expensive as the mainland. A new life avenue was turned into a 6 week vacation before i returned to central new york. One and only One revelation came to me amidst paradise. I must think about my future, i because scared (yes, me, horrified) at the thought of being a bartender, or cook, or any menial job for the next 40 years. I found myself wanting to return to the software development career i left behind so carelessly in my youth. And so i returned to syracuse to be with my best friend, who can help me with my endeavors, because i'm a programmer and he's an artist.

I have got to stop wandering around. I have got to stop meandering this planet. There are too many people for mystery to reside, there are too many people for an individual with no resources to go against the tide.

I cant' find work here in syracuse either. This is impossible! I don't need fancy work, i just need to afford to live and continue what i call my homework; re-learning Torque and making myself a portfolio worthy of attaining a job at a grandiose company like blizzard-activision or square enix, or sony computer entertainment america or EA. I can do it. But no opportunities arise in my earnest searching.

I am so pissed off lately. I fell in love with a woman who doesn't talk to me anymore. I have a fuckbuddy friend who is fantastic and i'd be worse off without, and since i've deactivated my emotions again the only thing i lack is the only thing i need; an income. I fret day to day about how I am supposed to pay my rather low rent and feed myself. Actually food isn't even hard to find, i go dumpster diving behind a grocery store that throws out perfectly good food everyday. I got 4 packs of rib tips and 3 packs of center loin cutlets, bags of onions and potatoes and occasionally bell peppers and the rare, unique item like a stereo or piece of furniture. But i have no work. I am doubting whether i should have ever returned here, i don't know what to do and i never fret. I'm gung ho super dreamer who can't be stopped.

only slowed down.

I'm the juggernaut, bitch!

or so i claim.

So there's not much to update. Its been a few months. Itll be a few more. im at open mic nite at the only local wifi cafe, wishing i could get more than a cup of coffee and thankful i'm not forced to whore myself or waylay people for money.

i have a cold. today i have no peculiar view to share.

life aftermath

though agreeable, the quick and alert service representatives to United airlines made short work of my punctuality by giving an all too generous with an hour and a half to cushion my wait at gate 26.

today is really like a bonus extension upon the previous day, due to extreme lack of sleep and pure emotional rollercoastering.

the first person i said goodbye to this morning was the last one i wanted to say it to.

even thinking about it raises the panicy, wavering diaphragm into spastic fluttering most familiarized with gut wrenching horror; say like that time you swore you saw a monster not only coming out from under your bed but in the same swift movement was about to rip your face off.

Nah thats a bad example. I feel like a death row inmate (hitherto referred to as a DRI). I cannot begin to tell you the ridiculous attatchment i've made with a secret girlfriend, who is some one else's wife. She sounds like the kind of girl who is happy with who she's with. But when i look into her eyes all that doubt melts away like oh so much butter, quickly followed by thoughts of anything else really.

except when im remembering that i'm not going to be able to hold her when i want to. or need to. So i got to find a way to keep her or grow from this somehow not horribly broken or smushed.

All other friends have stopped by today to say goodbye, smoked my ass up all day so everything i had to do was both painless and sluggish. I find myself keeping more and more thoughts private lately, not out of any need for secrecy or distrust amongst those closest; more just my thoughts are ever on me and how and what my actions are producing. and why i'm leaving.

I have to have the room to grow. I want to grow into someone who can have the woman he loves. That is strong enough to tear the enstangling web of responsibilities away from her so we can have eachother. That is support a wife and kids i guess in you layman blue collar time trading terminologicisms. Blech.

I found love and didn't want to let it go, feeling my destiny lay in another place. I found patience for things i never suspected i would lose ....

attention span lost in checking out tight white pant wearing thong wearer. Sorry. part of me still dreams about random hook up with a hottie on an airplane, ok?

///


1 hour to go. you find your suspicions rising in face of the dashed hopes you had in understanding any timescale to word count ratio in the rantings you find yourself perusing at the moment.

the author seriously needs to clean up this mad scramble of meaty substance and paltry musings. That cookie you ate is kicking in, you can feel it. Its a good cookie. This blog just can't stay on target long enough for caring to ensue; but the words caress your glazing eyes in ignorance of your withering interest.

Oo, there goes white pants again. along with a couple that matches except for their pants, their obvious offspring and perhaps contributing progenetor. 15 travellers sparsely populate this manicured garden of benches. The cookie wasn't good enough to help you lose the paranoia that your seat is in the back of the plane. your legs won't fit back there. its like trying to fit in a mazda miata. impossible.

knowing when to quit has always been in style. no reason to go out of fashion. plus, the woman you love married someone else to take care of the kids she has. After weighing prodiguous amounts of skepticism and hypothesii, adoption of said adorable offspring would be a fun frosting the cake of marraige you wanted to bake with the hot mama. The hottest. of all time i suspect. Other women just fall to their knees and grovel in her glorious shadow, bickering amongst themselves about who gets to be second best.

you never really knew anyone that was so naturally bestowed with presence, majesty even. she is unforgettable in such a blazing way that instantly upon contact with her you knew her to be far beyond the beauty of anyone you had ever encountered before. And the second her eyes fell upon your own would the pieces all click into place. She knew her own power, the extent of her great and beautiful power. You want to obey without having even been commanded! Exultation of her name waits at the edge of your lips, ready to launch as soon as you know what it is! Or whatever. You're no evangelist. reality quickly sets in but fails to pale the intensity of the gaze set upon you by this woman.

blaaaaaaaaa ive been up for how long? plane leaves in 40 minutes. time to switch to music.

sacrifice to the me-god

i wonder at the practicalities of having a personal god, a veritable god-version of yourself. Akin to ancient Mesopotamian practices of family gods, also akin to asian ancestor guardians.

the tragedy of worshipping yourself as a god is, what, vanity? There's a difference between knowing your are awesome and thinking that being that awesome is somehow better than someone else's awesomeness. Its the difference between confidence and cockyness really, one where you tell yourself you're the best and the other being where you tell everyone else? So what if you were encouraged to just imagine yourself as the most supreme ultra-version of yourself, an epitome of the me. I bet you would turn into it, and so caution and recorded consequences could be imparted upon the newly founded godling in hopes of belaying people that would otherwise turn into ultra-assholes/dicks or even super-pussies who don't do anything but bleed. Perhaps room should be left for the extremists; there presence would mark the boundaries of growth much more vividly then the subtle avenues of law and order. Only after experience would prudence become more important. I mean, we're e'er taught that supervillains are worthless, but what if they are just as important in defending this planet as superheroes, eh? Aimed properly, a destructive force can be used effectively. Not that its in any way apparent or even suspect that this planet is under threat from some otherworldly source. Besides ourselves at any rate.

And so to growth and onward. Higher mountains grown means higher pitfalls possible for the faithful followers of well sung heroes. My transhumanism is to be used in hopes of becoming more as a practice, a way of life. As i grow into my dreams shall my dreams grow, a cycle of fun! A funcycle! yay!

anyways.

///

this might be one of my last posts from NY. whoopdeedoo, super pretty country town that sucks when it isn't summertime. Which is 8 months of the year. OK more like 6, which is 3 times as long as any other season. And a long winter doesn't magically mean longer summer, it just means shorter spring and shorter fall. Pffffft. Fuck this, i'm moving to a tropical island.

i have so much to start doing, i'm excited and whatever fears flit through my mind are only based on the suggestion that i might fail myself. But i know the only way i can do that is by not doing anything at all....so i know that as long as i'm doing what i've planned i can only succeed. future problems shall be dealt with upon confrontation.

It isn't blind hope but blinding hope, such as that is burns so brightly as to help forage a path onward, at the expense of it shining back in your face sometimes.

i have 20 minutes to kill. I shall slay them one at a time, in a perverse consecutive succession they shan't expect!! Slay them with patience. Minutes are like lemmings (which aren't like lemmings at all really) in the way that they are just lining up to jump off into the oblivion of the past. In the end you don't have to do anything at all; time will just kill itself. They say the humble shall inherit the earth, but i figure it will be the lazy.

1.618

seriously, the use today of the most useful facts available leaves me with a film of disgust slowly rusting away any trust i have in given information whatsoever.

there are constants at work in our universe that cannot be described as numbers because they are not numbers, they are operations, and therefor also operators. Why do Pi and Phi go on forever? Because they are possible conspiratorial social tracking metaphors? Or because as representatives of operations, they are therefore numbers in motion and when you try to write them down you won't ever stop if you're waiting for them to finish. It's like another familiar forever-operation; dividing something in half. (or as an operator, Division).

So as an operator that is still somewhat describable as a constant, Phi is an operator for Growth, which is different when compared with addition and multiplication because it's more like an exponent that is an x+fraction of itself (>100% multiplicator). Like a ribbon, any one location can be a start point, and therefor everything on that ribbon is defined as relative to anything else on that ribbon, because in a derivative sense they are all defined as one ribbon anyways.

so because constants can be described as operators, and constants would be viewed as shapes (3d in volume but 2d in core structure and 1d in motion 'forward') in a 4d perceived time experience, operations would be perceived as interactions between shapes. Being able to purposely organize operators and constants for a desired result would be godlike. Its mathematical construction would resemble some archaic organic spell. And the shape of Growth would be possibly what the shape of the universe we live in would look like from some magical outside perspective you would need some ultra fifth dimension (or possibly ninth) to even experience and is probably only ridiculous conjecture. But i digress no further except to mention that it probably looks like one of those impossible to hold soap&glitter filled plastic donut-tubes only with a vortex like twist to the motion. (All we would see of a "galaxy" would be the butt-hole starfish end of one of these forever rolling in on itself tubes.)

Phi, or the golden ration, resembles exponential growth, so a spiral shaped shell would be described as having a constant growth rate. Phi written down is impossible when any limits regarding space are present. And since space = time, growth supersedes time, and when you think about it that way its completely obvious because growth would have to supersede time because it's an operator; by having an effect on the progression of a defined space going through motion, it would be akin to lensing some light, ie an operator. since the simplest orientation is Direction (a ray) these rolling tubes would progress only along direction, the representation of a 2d object in 3d, which is the same as getting music stuck in you head. Little do you realize that for some reason the notes in sequence for that snippet of a song that stays in your memory is because they somehow resonate within your current cognitive operational hum. If your rate of thought was defined as a hollow object, the notes of that song stuck in your head would be described as rays bouncing around on the inside, but because they would have to be resonating, there would only be so many paths that allowed for resonation (depending on the shape of the hollow shell). So if you sliced through this object with a flat surface (say like slicing a tomato), the paths of resonation would resemble a shape that would look the same regardless of how you sliced it (unlike a tomato whose slices look different depending upon the orientation before slicing.)

:)

The shape would look like a mandala, different for a particular frequency. If you were looking at a progressive 3d waveform head-on, it would look like a fractally propogating mandala. Frequency interference would be how to achieve purposeful results.

....


its 4am and this town i'm in has done something both unexpected yet not unwanted though its late arrival doth sour mine composition. i've been here 2 years, and in this form for 25 or so. I've made plans to leave and am ready to do so by my targeted departure date a month from now. A woman i have regarded before as transcendentally beautiful and dubbed 'puller of heartstrings unkown' has recently been interacted with and found to be not only absolutely as beautiful as suspected upon closer inspection but a possesor of such fine and particular personality to be considered beyond mere 'puller of heart-strings' but full-fledged soul-completor. And then in some cosmic joke she's indiscernably 4 years my senior and married with kids; all hopes that those kids she was walking down the street were merely being babysat dashed like so many spartan weakling babies. LOL but the best part is not only does none of that matter because not only do here kids rock despite not being of my loins, and not only is she so pretty that age cannot wane her, and not only do we move to the same rhythym, but i like her....another person that grabs me by my soft inner parts and with my overflowing love doth i happily lavish attention upon.

WTF!

i create the future by summoning the present; and therefor i plan goals of the future by controling what i summon to the present. What i summon further defines how i summon.

i can be whatever i want. does it help to fall in love with a person i never suspected falling in love with, and furthermore is it any better for it to happen so late in plans for geograpical relocation? Can i even afford a wife and 2 kids? does that matter?


i personally feel like i would be letting myself down by not being the most i could be, and that means being aware of not only my happiness and feelings but equally also my effect upon my environment and my fellow humans. Being a poor father to two awesome kids and an amazing wife would leave me feeling guilty or foolish, whilst being a single girl-recycling super villain possibly with an island and some manner of harem might leave me empty inside instead. what to do....

i know what i need, what i want, and that theres going to be unknowns regardless. I can see down some paths, and even then only to a certain degree. Do i marry? all of the current social practices boggle my mind to their supposed superiority to any other method of interaction and i see marraige as really just another legal tax-break, like a corporation. That's why prostution and gay marraige are so popularly illegal; it would destroy the point of having corporations as opposed to individuals because everyone and their mother would be registered as either a whore or a pimp and the lowest tax bracket would move from individual to corporation. (conversely, everyone and their brother would be legally married to someone just to get a tax-cut, and there wouldn't be any individual joe-sucker to tax anymore, and the loss would be just too gruesome for the growth expectations of our current economic model, which oddly enough as a shape would look like a giant black hole.

///

We have the capability to terraform our own planet into ultra paradise kingdom for transhumanity. We just need to get off our lard-asses and do it together. Unfortunately getting along together would preclude some sort of constitutional nasty list of Things We're Not Allowed to Argue About Anymore like land. wtf. You can't use the argument that that pile of rocks is your holy place and that means you're allowed to kill people over it. Sorry, not buying it anymore. You're not allowed to use the argument you think that guy has too big a gun in his pocket or he's got too much of a good resource so you can invade and wage war upon him. Nope, not buying it anymore. We take all this time we have to think about our neighbors pressing down on us and shrug it off knowing that they too are terraforming where ever they are towards the aims of living in a paradise of their own creation. we carry our holy places in our hearts, not in our pockets. We show our respect for our fellow man with our eyes, our hands, our mouths! Our environment is the permeable essence enveloping us all, providing us with common ground and allowing for encouraged negotiations.

ugh i have to open and want not to sleep but know i must.

adjourn doth I for aspirations to continue anon with some gesture of sanity and health.

alternate futures with common destination.

dusty nations?

///

of late i find mine wit short; my hand ill at ease with nothing to good to write about. my disgust further limitates my vocabulary into involuntary shrinkage. fallacitude isn't a word either, but it describes the idea pretty well.

the apology of a deadman is somehow hollow and unfulfilling. It chews and swallows like the real deal but it satiates naught. And since we all die, we should never have to apologize to each other because we all know its worthless. The only way you can get along is by having forsight and creative prevention techniques. Acceptance of all of one's self, even the demons, provides the best foundation.

People have and continue to kill each other. By no means has ANY group of human beings managed to convince the entire group of total human beings that killing is wrong. Its not. Its part of existance as a human, at least. So we should treat the action like any other; with knowledge, respect, responsibility, creativity and feeling(empathy). Hiding it from the world like some ugly scar or disease only blinds us to it, making us ignorant to the cause of wounds it delivers. Its part of being a human, a list of things that should be explored further. As a living human being, you have an effect on your environment and every other human being and probably form of life in your vicinity. (At least a vicinity that can't be defined by any singular locality.) This should be taught to new and old humans. Every breath and step and thought you take is leading into something else. Sometimes you aren't involved with an action of yours until after a certain point, so you can feel direct effects of your actions or you don't. And probably somebody else does instead. I'm not saying you eat a piece of candy and a log of babies gets tossed on a fire, but you can pretty much bet that if you throw that baseball its gonna land with a smack somewhere. Might not be you, but it just might as well be anybody else.

As a group of human beings that all exist on the same level as eachother, as look alike beings who are all pretty much attatched to eachother and work best as units and teams, we then would all benefit from knowing how to do anything and everything. Even at this point in time, whatever day it is 2:55 in the morning, there is a lifetime's worth of information for any one person to learn and the organizational requirements needed to make it available to everyone, hopefully all the time. But ridiculous ideas like Good and Bad, Right and Wrong need to be left behind. This doesn't work, obviously, and to me it seems like the only thing spurning contestations forward as dissenters among otherwise honest and noble thoughts. To be taught awareness of actions and their following consequences would lead to more wisdom being put into actions without any more hassle than doing it without. To be made aware of the unknown is a greater defense than ignorance, so we should proceed with learning as part of being human. We all learn and adapt. We are not so much like insects in that we only specialize in one thing, but that we can specialize in anything, and often in multiplicity. A human population having followed this for a few generations would all be made of people specializing in all sorts of amazing combinations, like Medical Technician Monster Truck Driver who plays in a band with a Dive Instructor Carpenter Monster Truck Driver and Musical Composer Chef Ship Captain Roboticist God Commando.


lol, i digress. the point is teaching that we die and for pretty much any reason, and even other people are included. So be careful and be good enought to either protect yourself or keep capable company.

We simply start with the most important ideas and activities, the ones i presume would be useful for an entire human lifetime no matter how extended, and go from there with whatever the individual wants to learn. To accept all of our natures as parts of ourselves is the most important way to get along with everyone, because then we can live our lives with all these things in full view.

My transhumanistic view is important to me, all i've ever wanted was to grow and learn and experience, and then i found that was improved by doing it with other people. So i want to lead a group of people to grow and learn as i do. I know i am just another possible future with the same destination as everybody else if i'm not careful. The land of the dead sounds like a 2 hour movie. I don't want to be stuck in some afterlife that's only 2 hours long and full of zombies. Unless i get a sword or something, that would be kinda cool. Last 2 hours and you get to come back.

But yeah, i'm in an odd mood this evening. My retrospect includes a good view of the steps i've taken in pruning myself successfully, and i feel enabled to continue!

I saw one of the most beautiful women ever again yesterday at the park. She was farther away but she's of conspicuous recognizeability and i knew who she was immediately despite the distance. I also knew she could see and would probably recognize me as well, and i was well aware i was also half naked and freshly bronzing in the sun. Little was i surprised, though i was greatly excited to see her return to the bar after the 6 months since last time this evening. This lady is of great remark to me because she captivates me on some base level i cannot even begin to describe, and also because of how she looks at me. It is so magnetic, she strayed never far from where i sat and we had for once a nice long conversation, getting to know eachother a little bit. It was a horrible time and place for a conversation because of how loud karaoke night is, but it went pretty well. I cannot forget to proclaim the majesty of her eyes, green rimming pools of black baring such intensity i could hardly fathom anything else standing against her for long. A symmetry of symphonies outline her grace sufficiently. If she was a bell that gave off light then she hummed a soft brightness. Something clicks with this person that i knew i had within me but hadn't been clicked yet, and i feel a rise in confidence that i was right about it all the time i wondered if the idea was even real. So now i can recognize it, but that comes with the cost of waiting for it again, or does it? Whilst this lady captivates me so is of no import when it comes to the reality that shares her home. I'm sure i wouldn't break up a marraige to benefit myself, no matter how unhappy. But that doesn't mean i wouldn't let it happen if she was into the idea of doing anything with me. I leave here in 30 days. This is an opportunity. But its not only my decision to make, so lets see how it goes. I am fine with the knowledge i have gained that things i knew were real but have yet to all be in one girl do actually exist. But my extended experience of only wonder where this wonder girl was has started the idea that i might have to settle for just a few of the great things i would want in a partner. And this one i have found here....

is dangerous. And its a real part of being a human. I feel like this, and i have heard similar experiences from other people, further bulstering my belief that its real and part of being a human. Teaching it would be delicate, i would imagine. I wonder how it would fare on par with the way we talk about it now in hushed reverence. Someday you might click with someone and you'll just know it, probably. Remember to keep a cool head at least every now and then, even if that means leaving the exuberantly intoxicating presence of the other person when needed. Also, it might happen with more than one person. If this happens, things can get ridiculous if people you are in love with don't accept eachother on some level. Good luck.

I am aiming to do my best here but not pass up anything good.

lugubrious destitution

day 35, season of Discord, year 3175 as it goes. i know its weird, dorky, or eccentric, but it spices up my life a little bit to switch up what i call, and thus how i think about, days and months. Plus someone made a yahoo widget that makes it easier for me to see it everyday ;)

Technology! The advent of possibility striking poise amongst our leading ideas with all the luster of white marble.

I see communication take a different shape; in the past you had to write letters to people you didn't see. These letters took time to get somewhere, whether days or longer by horseback or forever by manback, the conversation wasn't quick enough for single-sentence response, instead one loaded paper up with all sorts of everything you could and would put on it for the intended audience to absorb. So with the greater size of verse more planning and organization took place. Greater effort was applied to achieve proper understanding and graphically immersive description in the overall composition. Correcting yourself would take 3 times as long as getting it right the first time. So conversations were long in the making, and thus long-distance interaction was completely different than everday interaction, and relationships with other humans (from an individual perspective) took on different shapes for different distances. Example:

My nextdoor neighbor interacts with me on a daily basis. I have a constantly updating idea of my neighbor, and over a period of time i have detected the subtle patterns of his behaviour, and my depth of understanding concerning him is rather deep. I feel comfortable in predicting when he's lying or not about something, or when he's using sarcasm; all the little nuances of facial expression, tone and pitch of voice, combined with tested experience of his character have provided me with extensive knowledge of him and its all these things put together that form the picture in my head when i think of my neighbor. most of our conversations are shallow, quick, or just lazily constructed because we share such a vivid undestanding of one another. We are practically telepathic, so there's rarely a need to be grandiose or perform poetic verse, but senses of humor and empathic readings have become heightened.

But over the river and through the woods is grandma, and it takes like 3 months for a letter to get there because grandma lives in Hungrywolf Forest and no sober, sane person gets anywhere near the place. Sometimes it might take 5 months in a bad winter! So my experience with grandma is wicked limited on the same terms as my experience with my neighbor. My grandma may trust me with the most dusty of secrets, and thus the strength of relationship is much more heartfelt and cherished the the one with mine neighbor. But i don't have the experience of her facial expressions or voice, body language, or even sheer amount of finished conversations. So my image of her in my head is much more made up by me to fill in all the stuff i usually think of when i think of a person. The image of her in my head is no less robust, colorful, clear or defined than that of my neighbor, but i made up part of it unintentionally. It has to do with how we think, i'll get to that in a moment.

/moment/

See, we think in pictures and ideas, and our processes work between these variables. Its like computer programming; the idea of a person is built up around all the things you associate with all people (the variable set). But not everyone has a complete set, in fact few ever do. So our thinking process fills these in. Sometimes we forget parts or we just don't know them; it doesn't really matter why it's an empty variable, only that it is. Our useage of "ideas" and how we mentally image them allows for any amount and combination of variables in a variable set to be used. And ideas (variable sets) are all capable of constantly changing, even at the same time. Its called being "alive" and has to do with our processing speed defined as our rate of existence so to speak. Our consciousness would be analagous to computer memory, only instead of space it would be defined in units of time, probably something like 1/10 of a second or whatever length of time our precognition is. (I read this article on how the brain has to make up for the amount of time it takes for it to process input so we can react properly to real-world things i.e. falling items, so if it takes 1/10 of a second for my eyes to signal my brain and then for me to signal my primary motor cortex, then my brain takes all this input from my eyes and then calculates where it will all be in +1/10 of a second before it shows it to me, giving me a "current" view of everything.)

I see our consciousness as a combination of our inner voice, and a memory logging device that can relate seemingly any amount of information to any other amount of information in a growable, editable ever loop. It is like if your memory was a tape that could get longer or shorter in any particular spot, and any information on any spot on the tape could be connected to any amount of other spots on the tape. Your inner voice also holds your view, your percepted reflection of the world, you're minds eye so to speak. For instance i use my senses as basic variables for logging memories. So we think in accord to our senses, we can think in pictures, we can imagine music, or hot or stinky or anything! We can think in any combination of things we experience as input, whether temperature or emotions. But our inner voice is wired to our imagination as sound and emotional input, so we can think in pictures with a voice-over if we want. some people talk to themselves, in fact i imagine we all do in some degree, its how we mull and process information sometimes, by turning it over in our perverbial mind-hands. And our behaviour is like a list of all the activites we partake in and is organized by this done the most to least. You do some things more than others, and these are the things that you can do with less conscious effort because you've done it so many times before.

so back to how we think of eachother, we hold mental images, constructions of our total views of eachother. So the people we interact with and converse with more often all share similar variable sets, and since these people are all interacted with more often, these variable sets become habitual and require little to know concious effort to employ. this means when we think of someone that is unusually different than the "norm", we might makeup things to fill in the gaps we are so used to using when normally thinking about a person. Then these things we makeup get stacked up in our memory, rolling over onto eachother and getting folded into the things that we don't make up, making them just as real to us; indiscernable after enough time has passed.

so my grandma might seem more Legendary than my neighbor because her memory is not only lacking tarnish from my ignorance of grandma's cocaine habit but has been polished by my addition of gleaming adjectives over the years. If all my grandma ever tells me in our letters that she conquered and subdued, so thus when i imagine my grandma doing things i have never actually seen her do, like stand in line at the mini mart or step in poo, i imagine her just as majestic and queenly as my other memories of her. We all do it to some degree, its just part of how we are made.

and we think of ourselves on the same level as we think of other people (we think of ourselves and person's, so to speak, we have self-images regardless of how made up they are)

So back when long-distant communication was more prevalent, the unknown practice of filling in gaps in our ideas of people was also more prevalent. But now...


But now technology has it so we can chat or text message anyone on the planet practically instantly. You can keep up with anyone like they were your neighbor regardless of geographical differences. So i get to hear grandma whine about how lonely Hungrywolf Forest is all day because we have verizon's family spam plan. All my relationships with people fall into about the same category now, they all share mostly similar variable sets, that is i think about them all in pretty much the same way. So the practice of exersizing my imagination in terms of my ideas and images of people in my head might be waning? Am I, as a current human, compared to my ancestors who wrote letter, losing mental agility due to the advent technology? How much is it changing us? Greatly, i say. And i do not in any way think its bad. Or good. Its just different. And all i want to do is get a greater picture of it so i can better predict what to do to ride the wave. I'm not here to judge, i'm here to ride.

But in the precognitive sense, i imagine that technology is making up for our growth as a population. We aren't that far away from anybody else anymore, and our technology reflects that. And so some our thinking processes are going to be affected, in this case the way we think of eachother. With the loss of our far-away hero's lustrous shine, we might need to learn how to shine ourselves so to see it in the mirror, at least. There's a safe bet there is going to be somebody somewhere nearby, so you might as well be as awesome as you want because someone's bound to see you. And that thought might well help us to behave ourselves as well. We are all of us a sweater, but each of us threads. Or maybe we're a blanket, that's not the point.

the point is we are all some kind of total unit defined by a large set of individual pieces, those being each and every one of us. All of us humans make up a humanity, and our treatment of eachother and ourselves defines us as a whole. Our growing population and technology is marking changes in how we communicate and think about eachother. And how we talk and think about eachother belies how we act towards eachother (and ourselves). It would be prudent for us to use this knowledge of our current changese wisely. Right now we are permeating our communications with advertisements of sale. something i think is a waste of time but could be being used to slow us down before we tear-ass down the wrong road. or it might be a product of ignorance to our situation from the view of the masses. I might be the only person who has readily noticed that changes in basic and prominent human communication are only small ripples showing up before the larger waves. And like any wave, i imagine you would need an idea of where the wave was going before you could ride it. right now all i know is that it's going "that way" and i'm trying to position myself accordingly.

oops! its 5:55 am. time to go.

fearless leader

/... the qwerty keyboard setup we have now has a second life to it, if you let it. Using appropriate audio software, you can equip your everyday typing with audible notes! By assigning a note as well as a letter to a key, you re-establish the musical roots back into everyday speech.../

A whole new world of audio fonts would arise through the diversity and multiplicity of individuality. Not to mention everyone would be able to read, understand, and listen to music as well as talk to eachother. Everyone would understand, rhythm! imagine a world where everyone can DANCE!

I have music under my list of studious pursuits. I recently learned how to read "rests" providing to me the largest difference between reading tablature and reading music. I wish i was taught this as a kid.

*$*%*$*%*$*%*$*%*$*%

in other news, longstanding confabulations regarding hitherto aforementioned poppycock results in GOSSIP BEING FASTER THAN THE INTERNET. People find out about shit faster than people can write it down on an electronic multimedia medium and share it with their top eight.

monosodium glutamate = crack salt. makes cheapass snax taste GOOD, mo'fugga!

Imagine some ants, traveling behind eachother in a spaced out single file, marching along on a mobius strip. I would make it a 3-color propganda inspired poster titled "The path of DOOM!" and subtitled "it never ends!"

I'm done with the northland countries. Snow is not for me. I shall move to tropical paradise. Take it easy. the only way i can stay in an area all year is if its warm all year. Winter saps me.

I was made for the sun. And the beach, and the jungle. And women. ok a woman.

June. 79 days from now. I have 4 days of Chaos left and then an entire season of Discord before i start the season of Confusion on the Garden Isle.

See? With a little word play, real life can be enchanting and fantastic again.

bye for now.

unrequited inspiration defines the Muse

whilst adaptive capacitance constructs the muse's vessel.


///

There are no odds, no karmic comeuppance; i lack any pavement naps lately to inspire the usual self-mocking satirical questions. Instead I find it difficult to ledger mine thoughts due to unagitated contentment.

and ADD. Why don't spellcheckers use a grammar based word-construction algorithm before sampling the library? Will unchecked laziness be the downfall of creative conversationists, or is it all planned? Conspiracy's will to exist seems inexorable, unquenchable questioning ever encompassing the skeletal structure of osseous facts and figures so steadfastedly supporting our single-minded society. The flexibility provided by the evils of explorative questioning lie unappreciated outside their realm. Is there no striding the fence? Shall opposing sides never join in cooperative glory?

Am i blinded by the idea of a Single Light that doesn't exist? Or is the blinding light the superior shadow cast by the pall of permanent individual seclusion? Perpetuation in our human existence seems impossible without at least 2 parts to interact. But what are 2 parts except two footsteps in sequence from a single host? See?

But what is 1 without 2, then 3, and finally 5 to balance them all around 1? 4 is just a 2 in two places at once. 5 is the permiter of our dynamic containment unit, somehow able to juggle a 1 and two 2's around without sweatbreaking.

Math ruins romance by demanding emotionless logic over irrational chemistry. Music ruins math from within.

Music is interesting. Does it permeate all of existence or only our ability to percieve, and hence all we perceive? ie, Do we see music or see with music? The blind man sees with his hands.


///



i am probably faced with Just the Right Amount of decisions, as opposed to Too Many, but its hard to tell, and thus my current problem. Where do i move to?

I did my taxes, so i get a check, another stimulus is on its way, and hence i've been given a nice Reset Button, 1-Up Mushroom, or whatever you want to call it, from Life and the Universe and Existence I Guess. All of my tracking and study of humanity and thoughts with their processes has me amalgamated to a particular decision; that being that now is a good time to start something permanent. Life is not a huge gambling table or gladiatior ring right now, its more akin to a blank slate. Or slowly blankening slate. I am loathe to thinking that by stating i'm proclamating, but either way (whether i'm simply stating or unfortunately prophetizing) the current position is looking skyward to a golden star falling right at me as if a boon from the heavens; some starboarding deity travels by my part of the cosmos, and i am showered with golden fortune. so its on its way and i better still get it even though i'm talking about it before its gotten here.

So where do i go? I am already set on what i am to do. Its now, i have lifted the time upon me and i'm shouldering it to the finish line. So where do i do it? ha ha, fooled me! I bet i thought all i had to do was do what i had to do to get where i wanted to go, but no! Uh uh, i have to choose where to start too.

No its not that.

Its the ultimate question i've ever backed down from. Do i leave everything i'm close to to?

Do i leave everyone i'm close to?

Is it leaving?

who knows? seriously nowadays the planet is not that hard to shout across and talking relieves the soul of distance, to a degree. Releaves? to apply extra leafs too? i digress.

Wouldst leaving truly help me to find everything else that i'm missing, everything else i've only ever dreamed about so far because i never.....never left?

I didn't leave when i was 6 and i knew i could but didn't. at first i wanted to be older; to have the experience of being 8 but still be 6. Then i wanted to be 10 and stay 10 and not get any older then 10. And bit by bit i stepped through the growing process to fill the shoes i wear today with a size 12 realization that i'm still the same person i was when i was a baby and had no idea that nobody was actually understanding what i was thinking. I remember learning to speak as if it was backwards to communication. Up until that point, i felt pretty understood and confident in mine understanding of those around me, and that the sounds people made were loud echoes that permeated all but importance in my conciousness. When i figured out that people were associating sounds with things and we weren't all telepathic, a little part of me groaned inside.


And i've been the same ever since. True i've progressed in depth and experience, time fueling the nuances of personality and filling lists of likes and dislikes, but my "self" as i've known it has ever been the same. I treat life as an inexorable gulping of input that i adaptively process and understand. I am the clamp on the vortex, milking the excess of the straddled middle, the maelstromous teat of a battleground where the opposites of our existence meet and feed my conciousness. Well, its not "mine" in that its only mine, its mine like some apples that i would "have" were then also considered "mine." The apples are everywhere and are actually everybody's then, but in our temporally local dialect, mine has a personal connotative measure carrying an implication of ownership. And ownership, in my observance, is like a virus of thought. It takes ideas grown from input and turns them into powder kegs of useless destructiveness. The idea that you, alone, can own something, only grows a need inside you to own more, to own anything, because you assume a feeling, associate a sense of being with the thought of ownership, albeit unintentionally, and never figure out the ultimate interaction of nature by Sharing. Sharing is Ownership By All, and thus Ownership by None. We cannot always share, and so its better if we do not have to.


blah blah blah can you tell its late?


Bandering words about is obligatory, but i figure you can understand how i feel. Right now i know that i do not have to use all of my strengths at once, but to plan them out in a flowiful pattern is key. I am to use my best strengths, that is the ones with the greatest and quickest feedback. But its easy to talk about doing it. Figuring out the details is the hard part. Where do i go?

Where do i go from here? It's time to move again.

I know a good deal of ins and outs when it comes to Human Life. I've developed a manner of riding the waves. Now i have to put it to use or die. Die the slowest painful death of decay. Its so deep the skin doesn't register it, but the soul does. The heart bleeds from it, but it remains internal. Morbid!

But yeah. NY city? New Hartford? Kuaia? Idaho? New Zealand? Irvine? Back to Anchorage? Stay in Caz? New Woodstockshire or wherever Nick is building? Chicago? Spin the globe and pick a spot at random?


so many options.

go with the flow? or row to a flow that goes with my mojo?


its deep into thursday morning and i've yet to relinquish my dreams.

I wonder when they're gonna tell you about how they dredge the coasts so the waves kick too high for small manned craft heading beachside?

////


as for a normal status update, i picked up 40 hours for my job at alberts, and 10 or so hours at the pizza parlour. so i get 50 hours a week, thats not bad. i should be able to collect a realistic 200$ a week into savings, considering i've about a conservative 40 hours. By the time my lease is up, i should be able to wield a formidable pocket.

And to what ends, oh master Myself, shall I put them to use?

Strapping Young Lad's "The New Black" is my newest favorite. It sounds like music i hear in my head. Devind Townsend follows some kind of similar wavelengths as I, i imagine.



my health was quickly requisitioned to a winterized (ie slightly chubbed out) version of myself. All i need is to fill my time with more activity. My energy levels have lapsed nothing, and i find myself eager to keep adding hours of work to my days. All is within my grasp, i know. You all are too kind in your words of encouragement, but am i the only one to realize that grasping it will briskly whisk me away?

either way i must come to terms with leaving. I always choose to stay, and it hasn't worked out so far. Only saying no has gotten easier and more comfortable. Its like saying No makes things easier and more comfortable. much like not ever saying No seems to make things easier.



...

spring rolls over and pulls the covers tight. She sleeps in and suddenly summer is upon us!

its Pungenday, day 43 in the season of Chaos and year 3175, according to my discordian calendar. its 4:36 in the morning according to my laptops clock.

its time to goto bed according to my inner judgement.

augmentation contemplation

this escape is starting to elude me; the thick walls of security once sheltering me in my blogging repose now a draining sense of protection. I can type what i think here but know before i finish a sentence its only another echo; another useless sentence of me describing my existence in listless fashion.

i had vision set so well before, but something i am unaware of keeps pushing me towards nowhere, just pushing me to push me. I don't fear the edge but lose touch after so much repetition; my brains getting beat out by depriving repetitions. The once familiar is now lost from me, and old memories are brightening, recent ones shaded in their fading light. what it means to be an adult human being in the Marketplace Empire is losing meaning. what i lack i have trouble finding, what i am in abundance of i can't get rid of quick enough. my balance is never in my hands and i find myself scampering around trying to reach that which was once easily reached; sanity.

just kidding i was never sane, lol. but balance, i shouldn't get rooted anywhere, i do not think, i find myself absorbing too much around me, in this case its mostly distractions. I become all to absorbed in digital distractions, when the act of distraction used to be enough that the distraction didn't matter, now the art in itself is losing color, style, receding to a grayscale monopoly of my time where subsequent days melt into one big blobulous mess.

i live in a place that is demanding i demand more of myself, for some reason. i lack the discipline but not the use for it. i met a pretty girl but didn't think to ask her for her number. i produced a bountiful harvest but lack any interested parties. Time, the awkward default you cannot escape, i suspect.

i lack the patience to mold myself, but don't know my limits. im not so stubborn to assume im limitless in lieu of self-understanding; instead the driving forces of late constitute a distinct lack of any need for consciousness. my mind wanders everywhere lately because i find nothing challenging except staying.

its hard to stay in one place, i now abhor thinking about the future because i see signs of age in the mirror. wear and tear on my body is stacking up, enough to where i'm scared i'll end up an old man somehow by surprise, lonely, a pauper and probably in a hut in a forest or on a beach.

i don't know anymore. life hasn't show itself to be anything like i had hoped it would be, and the things that i love don't adhere to any recognizeable patterns. Some of them are people and they are far away or near. Some of them are dreams and memories and i don't know where they came from, or where they are. the world has lost its magic and i find my once happy and bouncy self lost in a gray world where my shining light just fades off, less and less lights around as time drags itself forward. im not what i wanted to be when i was little, teenager, or young adult. im not what i want to be now, but in truth the only way i know of to be what i want to be is at the end of a road that will take me too long to go down, leaving me too old to be what i want to be in some catch22 of a lousy lifestyle choice. ok thats not true at all.

i just need to get out of winter wonderland up here and get myself back to a place with a proper climate. and work, i guess. winter is so hard.

i feel sick, but its probably just indigestion. too much pizza.

Mr. Blewtits

there are things that are a part of me, that make up part of what i am as a whole. There are memories i have; things i remember that i can recall just as powerfully now as when they happened. These moments and feelings associated with them that i recall are part of how if eel about living, i don't know how to describe them further. I thought it interesting is all.

"Thinking your crazy is a different kind of craziness than actually being crazy. Its like, if you imagine that the whole universe is made of building blocks, then everything is made out of building blocks except for the blocks, and thus nothing is made out of building blocks at all, really." - Mr. Blewtits - Myfressor of Procology.

lol i should not finish this sentence. whoops!



I want to put up signs around town that say "You shouldn't finish reading this sentence."

oh no!

there are going to be no more mycology professors in the UK within ten years, i bet i could get my doctorate in it in like, sooner than that. Yeah. Like i have no idea.

i could go slapped apenuts on mycology. 8 nuts? no apenuts, like to slap an ape in the nuts. and observe his behaviour as he proceeds to beat the living daylights out of you. beats you into nightlights. turns your lights out. theres a lot of light associated consciousness phrases. huh.